Movies I've Seen

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom - in which Owen Grady is popular with dinos, and Henry Wu gets away with it, again! So, if I don't do this now, I'm definitely gonna forget what happened in this movie. First, Claire is back on her bullshit, working for a paleontology based non-profit, advocating for the intervention of the US government into the Jurassic World broken down theme park situation, to save the remaining dinosaurs. There is a ticking clock on this work, as the island is also an active volcano that is literally now starting to erupt. Who is the bad guy? Um, first, some lawyer who works for Hammond's old partner calls Claire and offers to pay for dino relocation and suggests she enlist Owen's help. Claire convinces Owen to come by reminding him that he can once again see his dino-daughter, Blue. Once they are on the island with para-military forces to help round up the dinos, Claire and Owen are getting along great. There's two normies with them, one clas...

Incredibles 2 - in which gender stereotypes are challenged, and the villain is a girl. First, I had to rewatch the first one before I saw this, and it was cute. Now, Incredibles 2 has the Incredible Family move into a fancy new house, while Mrs. Incredible is being bankrolled to come back and be a super hero on the down low. Its supposed to generate goodwill towards supers, and might lead to the repeal of anti-super legislation. Keep that in mind, as all of the crimes Mrs. Incredible thwarts are fairly easy to solve, and they are all being perpetrated by the same criminal - The Screen Slaver, who uses strobe lights to hypnotize people into committing the crimes for her. Mrs. Incredible catches on, because she's no dummy, and after the framed Screen Slaver is caught, she won't relent and keeps investigating. There is this dope ass fight scene in a room full of strobing lights, and it looks amazing. Anyways, Mrs. Incredible finds out that the "benevolent" donors who...

Coming Soon, A Podcast of Movies I've Seen

Hereditary - in which family means everything to some people, and nothing at all to others. Annie has a nice family, with a husband and two kids, but her mom is kind of a pill. When her mom dies, Annie chooses not to go through all her belongings because she wants to respect her dead mother's privacy, I guess. It comes out that they had a bad relationship, even though Annie took her in and cared for her in the last days of her life. Um, it also becomes apparent that Annie was scared of her mother, and didn't speak to her for the first few years of her older son's life.      Ummm, this movie was so haunting and scary that I don't need a blog post to remember all the horrible stuff that happened in it. So, I will just say that his name was King Paimon, and just go watch it. I don't ever want to see it again. Maybe.

Monster! (Humanoids From the Deep) - in which the terror of Jaws is actually giant fish guys who will rape you. In a small town, in a fishing community, locals are preparing for a new cannery, but there appears to be some infighting about it. Well, the local Native American is opposed to the new plant and its science chemicals, but the town leaders call him some racial slurs at the Friday Night Fish Fry, and a fist fight break out. Our main character is a nice white guy who wants the cannery, but can't abide by doing racist shit to this nice neighbor. The violence starts early, with a graphic onscreen dog murder, followed quickly by several more canine corpses littered around the docks. Dog remains are found in a Chrissy-like pile on the dunes. Then, a cute couple has sex on the beach, only to be attacked by these fish monsters! The woman is raped, and the guy is murdered. Further down the beach, another woman is raped. The town folks figure out there are some dangerous things...

The Neon Demon - in which Elle Fanning is not as good of an actor as her sister. Sorry. Marketed as a horror movie, this starts out atmospheric and innocence focused, with a pretty girl being photographed by a guy who looks like a creep. I'm not really gonna start on how unnecessary it is to illustrate that the movie is filmed through a male gaze, because its about models, and its a major studio movie. Of course the lens is the male gaze. Whatever, skip it. So, over the course of two long ass hours, here's what happens. Elle is befriended by Jena Malone who is a makeup artist. She goes to a LA party where Jena introduces her to her mean model friends. Elle is only 16 (shock! she said her parents were DEAD), her agent tells her to lie about her age to everyone. She has a boyfriend in his 20's, she tells him her real age, and he doesn't leave her. Whatever, he also wants to protect her, he seems nice enough. Elle is staying at a seedy motel run by a grouchy Keanu Reev...

UPGRADE - in which the 'husband seeks revenge' trope gets fucked sideways, and something on the periphery reminds me of Pi. In the vaguely distant but unspecified future some hot, masculine dude still wants to drive cars the old fashioned way, and his future-savvy wife thinks its cute. His name is Grey, and he builds/restores muscle cars for money, and today he has built a car for a rich weirdo who lives in a desert in the basement. His wife comes along for the ride, and also so she can drive him home, in her self-driving car. On the way home, the car goes haywire and they crash, and some merc looking dudes come up and shoot him and his wife. Upon awakening, Grey is mostly paralyzed, and he is immediately suidical, even though his nice mom is there to help with adjustment. Grey is beyond pissed that he needs robots now. Fuck robots (not really!). So, the weirdo he sold the car to brings him out to the desert again, and offers him a chance to wear this new AI microchip out, ...

Logan Lucky - in which child beauty pageants are not played for comedy, but doing yoga is. Some schlub played by Channing Tatum is working in an underground construction site, and his name is Jimmy Logan, and he gets fired because he has a limp, and his daughter wants him to come to her Lil Miss West Virginia pageant rehearsals, but he's kinda busy getting drunk with his brother. His brother is Adam Driver, aka Clyde, who has a fake hand and is a total weirdo. So, they also have a sister who does hair and drives fast. The point is, it takes the plot a while to get going, and by then Jimmy has enlisted a group of rogue idiots to help him with his plan to steal money from the pneumatic tubes under the stadium he's been working under. For the plan, his one armed brother goes to prison, and breaks out with blonde numbskull Daniel Craig, and the rest of the prisoners do a fake riot to cover their absence. Its a small jail. So, they break into the tubes while a very famous race i...