Movies I've Seen

Iron Jawed Angels - in which Hilary Swank tells the real story of Alice Paul, the suffragette who was jailed as a POLITICAL PRISONER in 20th century America. There is a ton of modern music (Sarah McLaughlin) and weird cinematography/edits to convey how contemporary the story of women suffrage truly is. Okay, so Alice Paul has a hot friend named Lucy Burns, and they historically formed the National Women's Party after parting on bad terms with Angelica Huston and Anna Howard Shaw and the NAWSA over political differences (aka how to attain suffrage, state by state or constitutional amendment). From their Washington DC office, Alice and Lucy recruit a bunch of women in the high stakes world of the real world, where feminism and political activism can get you locked up. BUT NO ONE IS GAY, McDreamy is a reporter Alice Paul has romantic lunch with several times, but no sex because she's a Quaker. Not because she's gay. Because she's not, okay? Whatever, the graphi

Blazing Saddles - in which Gene Wilder is a lovable alcoholic deputy to Rock Ridge's first Black Sheriff in 19th century America. I'm too sad about Gene Wilder's death.

Lord of Illusions - in which Scott Bakula plays a private detective, Harry D'Amour, who travels to the west coast for a job, but ends up getting pulled into a crazy, dark, magical world because he can't stop being Dr. Sam Beckett, no matter what. Okay, so, initially there is this powerful cult leader named Nix who can do some real magic, and has attracted a small following of devoted weirdos, and they all live in this smashed out, wrecked house in the desert that no one would ever enter voluntarily. There was this guy who left the cult, Philip Swann, and he heard that Nix had kidnapped a 12 year old girl, so he and his friends who also left the cult, roll up with some weapons to save her. Nix pushes his fingers into Philip's mind and transfers a bunch of his power to him, after Nix flies down off of his hanging mid-air cross thing, made of bones and skin. Gross. okay, so the girl shoots Nix with Swann's gun, and while he's on the ground, they bind him with magic and

Judge Dredd - in which Sylvester Stallone tries to restore Law and Order to the East Coast Megacity, one urban mega block at a time. Um, Stallone plays Dredd, a judge who is found guilty of a crime he didn't commit, and he is exiled from the megacity. He wanders the wasteland for a little while, he finds a friend in Rob Schneider, and they sneak back into the megacity through a tunnel that shoots fire in regular internals, but they easily outrun the fire. Dredd has to get into command central to prove to the system he didn't actually break THE LAW, he is assisted by his former partner, a young woman who was hoping to learn so much from the honorable Judge Dredd, but I guess that didn't work out. So, Dredd and his codpiece break back into headquarters and manage to clear his name, despite the fact that public opinion is against him. Turns out, what had happened was that Dredd was framed for his crime with DNA from his clone brother, Rico, he didn't know about. Rico is bo

Kong: Skull Island - in which a group of adventurous scientists are enticed to a remote island is the Pacific ocean that can only be accessed in a small window of time, due to the intense storms that rage around it all the time, and the fact that it is occupied by an enormous gorilla. Brie Larson and Tom Hiddleston, John Goodman and Samuel L Jackson sort of crash land, after dropping some geo-bombs on the island, upsetting the nice giant ape who lives there. So, they try to verify this theory that all of the weird dinosaurs and creatures have survived inside these "hollow earth" pockets. And then they discover John C Rielly, who was shipwrecked there 40 years ago, and he is super happy to see some English speaking people, because the islanders are kinda stiff. There are millitary guys on the expedition who are trying to exterminate nice King Kong, but he is keeping all the humans safe from the monsters that are worse than the ones from Pitch Black. Finally, Brie Larson makes

Casino Royale - in which James Bond becomes a 007 agent for MI6, which is a real organization, and plays cards to defeat financial terrorist, Mads Mikkelson. The first Daniel Craig Bond movie, he is a cheeky fucker who breaks into his boss's apartment and M thinks its cute, but still urges Bond to not follow a lead to the Bahamas, but he goes anyway. Okay, so, there is a trail of money and Mads Mikkelson (Le Chieffe) is trying to make the rest of the money he owes some BAD guys, and Bond wants those guys, I guess, so he plays Le Chieffe in poker, with his American friend Felix at the table, and at first he loses because Le Chieffe faked his tell, meaning someone Bond trusted betrayed him, and he assumes its not the beautiful woman, but he was wrong. Felix backs Bond the rest of the game, and he cleans out Le Cheiffe, taking breaks to fight some thugs and console his new girlfriend about sort of helping him kill said thugs, even though it was in direct self defense. Whatever. So, he

Free Fire - in which Brie Larson helps negotiate a gun deal between 1974 and 1975. Two groups show up to exchange guns and money, but one of the negotiators who helped put the deal together gets shot by an itchy finger, and then some gangster-vultures show up and try to take out everyone so they can get the guns and the money. Cillian Murphy asks out Brie Larson during the crazy warehouse crossfire, and she kinda says yes. There's a bunch of stuff going on, some of the helper low-level guys have beef, one appears to be a date rapist. That's what the beef is about. Mostly, there are a lot of guns and bullets, and it is kind of fun, but some people die.

Belko Experiment - in which an American business compound in Columbia is surrounded by private security and turned into Battle Royale, but with white adults. Some weirdos come on the loudspeaker after the entire 15 story building is shuttered, and announce that everyone has to start killing each other or else they will have the explosives in their heads detonated. Naturally, one smart guy starts to try to remove it, and he encourages all of his coworkers not to play along, but the announcer comes on and warns against self-surgery removal, demanding the "game" be played. There are several alpha-male types who get all self righteous, and say they need to stay alive for their families, like that justifies fucking murdering their coworkers. One of these guys is Dr. Cox, and Michael Rooker is a nice janitor. So, one red headed man leads the resistance, but people keep giving up and murdering or getting murdered. In the end, the lone survivor is welcomed into an adjacent hanger fil

Train to Busan - in which a neglectful father takes the most adorable daughter ever to her mother's home for her birthday, but there is a zombie interruption. The dad had missed her concert the day before, and the poor little girl got upset and choked on stage. Very sad. Okay, so on the train to Busan , the father and daughter are traveling, but are separated when the little girl has to walk down a few cars to find an open bathroom. In true zombie movie style, she meets a nice couple who will accompany them on the rest of their journey through the movie. Anyways, the train is boarded by an infected person, aka zombie, and the carnage quickly spreads. The father finds his daughter and almost doesn't hold the door for that nice couple, but then he does help save them, but he is still an asshole. There are some other characters along the way, like some high school kids, and some scaredy Steve Marcus type jerk. When the cities are reported to be collapsing, Busan is reported to rem

Primer - in which 4 guys are working on a science/engineering project in their off time, after their square jobs.OMG, this movie was so boring. I tried to watch it 3 times and fell asleep each time. I am bored trying to remember how annoying all their sci-fi techo-babble was, which it was, and it was like they didn't care if the audience had any idea what they were talking about. You are not Pi.

Prometheus - in which two scientists funded by half of Wayland-Meyers are escorted by Idris Elba, Charlize Theron and some generic space jerks to a distant planet to search for the founders of the human race. Like, these scientists found some super old cave paintings in France, giving the star coordinates for this planet, and Weyland is funding the mission for some mysterious and vaguely evil reason, as indicated by Charlize Theron's attitude. As an Alien prequel, the structures on the planet are filled with pseudo-fossilized eggs, that open and are filled with ALIENS, surprising the scientists and the space sailors, amazingly. There was a panic and a frantic escape at the end of their civilization, and we can see it through some amazing memory/security holograms. The Michael Fassbender android infects the husband scientist with an alien worm for experimentation, and it later becomes clear he is working at the direct behest of Mr. Weyland himself, who was supposed to be dead, but h

Puppet Master - in which a man uses Egyptian magic to animate his wooden puppets, but then he dies and leaves his dolls buried in the wall of a nice hotel. His friends who are still alive are invited to his funeral in the empty hotel by his rich girlfriend, and the puppets are excited to see the friends and MURDER them. They all have magic powers, and one woman is a sexual psychic, and its awesome. The murders are all gruesome, the puppets and the effects rock! 77 minutes well spent. I'm glad I bought the 9 movies series sight unseen. Can't wait to watch the rest of them.

The Abyss - in which James Cameron writes a love letter to the ocean, and the ocean answers, "Here are some aliens." Ed Harris plays a scientist who is happy to be in an underwater Sea Lab (cue theme song) even though his mean wife comes to visit and be a cold bitch to him. A plot happens, but its been weeks, so I forget what it was. Ed Harris is bull headed, and only his wife can get through to him. The crew is enjoyable. Oh! Michael Bean shows up after an oil rig problem and gets pressure sickness and tries to kill everyone. In an effort to escape and save everyone, Ed Harris gets his swimmer craft stuck in a chasm, but some nice aliens lift him out in a spectacular light show of kindness. The aliens invade the SeaLab as water/people and try to be nice, with moderate success.A few people die, but most live. Good movie, watch again.

Cassadaga - in which some girl experiences the loss of her sister or deaf best friend, and after an undeterminable amount of time, she goes to be the only student at a "school" in a plantation house for "art." The only "professor" seems to be her aunt or something, and there is some creepy guy, her "son," creeping around and masturbating in the middle of the day with the doors open. Gross. Well, it goes on forever, with some ghost of some girl trying to warn the dumb protagonist that some creepy guy who was sexually mutilated at the age of 8 (opening scene) is murdering women and puppetting their corpses. Also gross. Finally it ends. Thank god. Background info - I watched this because I heard it was made locally in Cassadaga, where I have been. It may be the psychic capital of the world, but it is also the burned out racist hippie capital of the world. Everyone has a confederate flag up, and half the roads are paved. Pass. 

The Ghost and the Darkness - in which Val Kilmer travels to colonial Africa as an engineer, but he cannot build his bridge because his village of workers keeps getting attacked by man-eating lions. Its basically Land-Jaws. He shoots one of these lions at first, but there are three of them, so two survive. His spunky friends cheer him on, but all the workers want to leave once the lions start invading camp and pulling guys out of their tents. Michael Douglass eventually shows up with a Remington and a bunch of natives. Together, the men track the lions and find their scary cave full of bones and skulls. After all the workers have fled in fear, Kilmer and Remington camp out in trees and finally kill the final lion. Then hollow bones Emily shows up with the baby, and the bridge of Tsavo eventually gets built.

First Blood - in which Vietnam Veteran John Rambo is just trying to get by, but know-it-all small town law pesters and abuses him into a PTSD episode. Did you know John Rambo was a green beret, and all the friends he made in the war have died? His hope was dashed in the first scene of the movie, and he is sad and lonely and those military wanna be jerks won't leave him alone, even though he was being as nice as possible, and just trying to not get shot by some jerk on a helicopter. So, Rambo's old boss comes into town once he has the whole mountain hostage to try to diffuse the situation. There are many people trying to kill Rambo to look tough, but the sheriff seems like he's trying to take him alive. In the end, Rambo goes with his old commanding officer to surrender, because he can't keep running.

The Last Broadcast - in which four guys try to make internet history by livestreaming their expose of the Jersey Devil from the Pine Barrens as a part of their pre-Youtube series investigating urban legends. Three get killed, but fortunately their deaths are recorded in footage that reveals nothing, and the surviving guy seems culpable in their deaths, but maybe we aren't supposed to believe that. They are all jerks, the Blair Witch did not rip this off, and is a way better movie. This image is the picture quality of the whole flick. Yikes. There is this whole sub plot about the woman who is spending all her time reconstructing the digital video from the scraps, you could have left us out of this one, guys. But thanks for thinking of us.  

Kill Bill Vol 1 - in which a nameless, badass assassin blonde takes revenge on the co workers who bludgeoned her to near death on her sham wedding day. Starting out, she makes a list, which does not appear to be alphabetical, but in ascending order of who she hates the most. The fights are brutal, first with Verita Green, who, arguably, should have been named Black Mamba, but maybe she was the last to pick names or join the team: The Deadly Viper Squad. The Bride takes her out, but has some sage words for her daughter. In Japan The Bride gets Hatori Hanzo to come out of his sworn retirement to make her a special revenge sword, because Bill deserves it. O-Ren has a personal army the bride takes down several henchmen at a time in a reverse massacre. Jumpsuit on fleek. O-Ren Ishii bites it after an exactly 5 minute sword fight to the classic rock song Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood by The Animals. There's this crazy part near the beginning where Elle almost kills the bride in her c