Lord of Illusions - in which Scott Bakula plays a private detective, Harry D'Amour, who travels to the west coast for a job, but ends up getting pulled into a crazy, dark, magical world because he can't stop being Dr. Sam Beckett, no matter what. Okay, so, initially there is this powerful cult leader named Nix who can do some real magic, and has attracted a small following of devoted weirdos, and they all live in this smashed out, wrecked house in the desert that no one would ever enter voluntarily. There was this guy who left the cult, Philip Swann, and he heard that Nix had kidnapped a 12 year old girl, so he and his friends who also left the cult, roll up with some weapons to save her. Nix pushes his fingers into Philip's mind and transfers a bunch of his power to him, after Nix flies down off of his hanging mid-air cross thing, made of bones and skin. Gross. okay, so the girl shoots Nix with Swann's gun, and while he's on the ground, they bind him with magic and some crazy iron contraption. Okay, so 20 years later, Swann is a magician for a living in Los Angeles, and he disappears, so his wife, Famke Jensen hires Harry D'Amour to find him, because Harry is already kind of involved because he found a psychic being murdered by one of Nix's devoted followers. Harry stays on the trail and goes to the Magic Castle in LA, where he meets another magician who he suspects, and one who tries to help. Harry eventually finds Swann, he had faked his own death. Swann's (former) assistant (not on stage), gets kidnapped by the remains of the cult because they want to find Nix's body and dig it up, and this assistant knows where it is. So, they find Nix's body and they have a crazy resurrection ceremony, someone has brought Famke Jensen there so Nix can eat her, but Swann comes to her rescue again, and defeats Nix for real with Harry's help. All of the cult members get sucked into the ground in the disgusting process. Harry and Famke walk out together, and live.
Ghost Rider - in which Nic Cage plays Johnny Blaze and some rando plays Ghost Rider and Eva Mendez fails all women. To start, some teenagers play Johnny Blaze and Roxanne as a couple in love, but Johnny Blaze can't commit to her because he feels like carny trash, and his dad has cancer. So, when Johnny finds out about his dad's cancer, he gets real upset, and is therefore vulnerable when approached by a Devil, and gladly exchanges his soul for his father's health. Joke's on him, because the Devil is a jerk and as soon as the cancer is gone, Papa Blaze breaks his neck, I guess, or he is mangled by a ring of fire. Its hard to say. Sad, though. Okay, so thirty years go by before Mr. Devil cashes in his Johnny Blaze favor, but in a chilling and tragic coincidence, he does it on the ONE NIGHT Blaze has a date to reconcile with Roxanne, whom he has run into as an adult. While Blaze turns into Ghost Rider and it looks terrible, poor Roxanne (Eva Mendes) is left stood up at...

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