Movies I've Seen

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets - in which Major Valerian is a young hot shot and has a great partner, Lauraline, that he does space missions with. So, this mission for the movie is to retrieve a small animal/energy-generator who is both adorable and valuable. The movie opens on a beautiful beach planet, and some peaceful, skinny aliens who have a pearl economy and seem to be very happy. Oh, no! Their planet is attacked, and only a few survive in a bomb-shelter, and their princess is trapped outside, she is killed, and sends out an energy burst as like a magical death rattle, and we see it hit Valerian. He takes the info-packed dream it causes to heart, and when he recognizes the little guy they pick up on their mission, it is from his dream. So, the guy who sent them on the mission is suspicious, so Lauraline keeps the little guy on her when they all go to some council meeting. The skinny beach aliens crash the council meeting and kidnap the suspicious General Clive Ow...

To The Bone - in which a young woman struggles with an eating disorder and a pain-in-the-ass family situation, kinda of simultaneously and separately. There is a disclaimer at the beginning, like a trigger warning, and it reveals that a lot of the film crew had personal eating disorder experience, and it really shows throughout. So, this chick named Ellen is doing a bunch of classic anorexia behaviors, like not eating, smoking and drinking, and secretly working out. Also, she keeps getting kicked out of ED treatment centers because she is kind of a dick. So, the movie centers around her trying to negotiate her absent father, cares too much step-mother, her hippie mom who gave up on her, and her mom's wife, technically other step-mom, I think, who is kind of a bitch. She also has an awesome (step) sister, who is younger, and tries to look up to Ellen, but its hard because she's such a fuck up.     So, they find a sought-after doctor in LA, where they live, and its K...

Atomic Blonde - in which all of my hopes and wet dreams for a female led, stunt heavy, action-packed, compelling movie were slowly bled out over the course of 2 hours. Okay, so, there is a muddled plot about spies, and MI6 sends Charlize Theron into 1989 Berlin, Germany, to retrieve a stolen noc list, bring home her former lover's body, and maybe identify a double agent, if there's time. James McAvoy is her contact in Berlin, and he's always going from West to East Berlin in some underground tunnels. He does not seem real trustworthy. Also, Charlize is made by the KGB the moment she steps off the plane in Berlin, and she doesn't really do anything about it, besides lose the tail. Which I'm sure they picked right back up a few minutes later. There's always some dumb 80's song playing that has nothing to do with what is going on in the scene. So, truthfully, the plot doesn't really get a lot done, she just tries to get information, but she can't ...

John Wick - in which Keanu Reeves is an amazing human being and even more of a badass than we all thought he was. Okay, so John Wick used to be an assassin, but he buys his way out of this intense subculture so he can live happily with his adorable wife. The worst thing happens, and she gets really sick, and she can't recover, and she dies. It is so sad. But, she knew she was going to leave John, and didn't want him to be alone, so she arranged for a very adorable puppy named Daisy to be delivered to him after her funeral. It was a good plan, because John loves the puppy and he was gonna be alone otherwise. So, John is out running errands with Daisy in his 1969 Mustang, and some Russian punk at the gas station is a jerk to him, and tries to buy his car from him. John loves his car, and does NOT need the money, so he says the car isn't for sale, and politely goes on his way. Russian punk isn't used to hearing 'no,' so, like a psycho, he follows John Wick home...

Frailty - in which Bill Paxton has two adorable sons, whom he tries to mold into monster fighters, or serial killers, depending on your position. So, Bill Paxton is a nice dad with two sons and no wife, and they have a nice house behind the town's rose garden. So, the trouble starts when Bill Paxton gets a clear message from God that he is being enlisted to slay demons, and his sons can help, too, the only catch is that the demons are inhabiting human bodies, and therefore it looks like he is murdering humans, but he is sure he is slaying demons. God gave him a magical pipe, a huge axe and some gloves as tools, and said when Paxton touches the bodies, their demon faces will be revealed. The oldest son has some understandable problems with digging graves in the aforementioned rose garden, but Paxton cannot abide his son's skepticism, and makes him dig what turns out to be a murder dungeon, in hopes of convincing him to pray. The poor kid cannot see these demons, and just s...

Baby Driver - in which a young punk with great taste in music tries to get out of the criminal racket, and meets a nice girl to do it for. Baby is a getaway driver to Kevin Spacey's rotating crew, and he works with the hottest version of Jon Hamm I have ever seen. Baby is a good guy, and is working off a debt, and he means to quit when his debt to Spacey is repaid. He has a nice, deaf foster father he still lives with, and he is always listening to music to combat his trauma-induced tinnitus. He is also always recording stuff and he makes dope mixes that sound like J Dilla, DeeJay.     So, the conflict is that Spacey wants Baby to keep working for him, so after Baby meets a nice waitress to fall in love with, Spacey can blackmail him into driving. Baby doesn't want to drive with Jaime Foxx because he's a crazy fuck, but he has to. Jon Hamm is very nice to Baby, him and his girlfriend defend Baby's quiet manner. Okay, there are a bunch of car chases that are super c...

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - i n which Indiana Jones has a short, Asian sidekick who helps him save the children of a small Indian village. First of all, Indiana has his sidekick, Short Round, waiting outside in his getaway car, while he is inside Club Obiwan (we get it, Lucas) trying to get a rare diamond from some Chinese bad guys, and he accidentally takes a blonde singer hostage, but then she kind of helps him get the antidote for the poison, she's really very nice. Willie, is her name. Okay, so they escape onto a plane and it crashes in the middle of no where in India, and the first town the trio comes to is under a curse because some guy stole their magic stone and subsequently, all their children. The old village magic man asks them to go get the kids from the temple. Indiana, Willie and Short Round have no other way to get to Delhi, so they go to the local Mah Ha rajah's palace and temple compound to investigate the disappearance of the chil...