Movies I've Seen

Thor: Ragnarok - in which Thor and Loki team up to fight their hot sister after their only remaining parent dies. Odin dies while he's on earth, but he waited until Thor and Loki show up. They went looking for him in NYC, but got intercepted by Dr. Strange, who redirected them to Norway, the home of Odin's followers in Midgard. Odin passes into the wind, Thor and Loki are sad for a minute, and then their mean sister, Hela, shows up. She tells them she's the heir to Odin's throne, and also she's a maniacal beautiful genius who is going to conquer all of the worlds Odin did not. Which is most of them. They start to fight, but Loki the Idiot opens the bridge to Asgard, and Hela knocks Thor and Loki out of the rainbow bridge stream and makes it there alone. Let the conquering begin. Hela storms the palace and fucks the place up, and then she kills, like, the entire army because they won't fight for her. Next best thing, she raises an undead army from the corpses...

The Babysitter - in which a nerd loses his only friend. The adolescent boy, Cole, is slow to mature and has parents who hire a sitter for him when they leave for an overnight trip. She's been babysitting him for years, and is like, his only friend. Wait, he has another boy he's friends with, but I don't think he matters. So, the plot is that Bee lets Cole drink alcohol so he will fall asleep, and then she has her archetype friends come over so they can sacrifice Cole to Satan, or whomever. Cole stays awake and thwarts their plan by not being easy prey. Its pretty funny, campy, over the top and still heartfelt. He is a resourceful scamp, so he defeats the high school team of idiots, and also steals a car. The pic is from a game of truth or dare.

Magic - in which Anthony Hopkins is the craziest fucking guy ever, and people just keep being nice to him be cause he's so damn charming. So, at first Anthony Hopkins plays a ventriloquist named Corky, and he's got a jackass dummy named Fats. His act is good, and a talent agent catches it one night, Burgess Meredith, and they start working together. Corky is seldom seen without Fats, but no one really minds, actors get a lot of leeway. So, Meredith gets Corky a pilot with a TV network, which is literally the best thing that could happen for them, but the network wants Corky to go for a physical before they drop the money for the pilot. Standard operating procedure, Burgess assures Corky. Corks, however, freaks out and takes Fats on a road trip, where he ends up at a lakeside B&B. Turns out he has been in love with the woman who runs this B&B since high school, and they have a great time getting reacquainted while her husband is out of town for the week. Corky keeps ...

Bloody Mallory - in which a French vampire hunter is hired by her own government to protect the Pope from the forces of evil, because she's the only one with the ability to do so. I didn't know this was a French-language movie, Netflix didn't tell me that, but I wasn't gonna let that stop me from enjoying an early 2000's horror crap-fest. Oh, boy. First of all, Mallory actually has a team that helps her fight evil, including a telepathic child, a drag queen with guns in her platforms, and a priest, who dies early on. So, Mallory is first fighting these demons from an episode of BtVS, they are trying to rape a whole cloister of nuns. It appears as though Mallory has gotten there just in time, and she kills the demons, but then the nuns' abdomens swell and explode with more demons. Its bananas. Mallory wins, and then goes on to fight another town of demons, oh, she's doing all of this because she got married once, and on her wedding day her husband reveale...

The Conjuring 2 - in which romance meets horror and a creepy nun fucks everyone up. First of all, this is another real case the Warrens worked, and the girls from the family are on the BD extras. Lorraine Warren is feeling rough from the exorcism she was party to recently, and she wants to take some time off from fighting monsters, and stick to lecturing. Ed is of course supportive, and for some reason she doesn't tell him that she has been seeing the horrifying monster nun Ed paints, because he is strong, hot, and also an artist. So, there is a family in northern London (for an accent, think Scary Spice AKA Mel B) with two boys and two girls, and just one mum, and they have been living in their house for a while, but the ghost of the old man who died there starts messing with the daughter, Janet. She stays home from school one day because she's sick, and he keeps changing her TV channel, and then he aggressively appears to her and yells at her to get out of the house. The ...

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly - in which three guys work together and against each other to get some pretty sweet treasure while avoiding the Civil War. First, some mean looking guy I named Italian Daniel Day Lewis is a cold blooded murderer, and although he does what he is paid to do, he also does fuck around, and will interpret a wet death rattle into an assassination request. One that he is happy to fulfill. This is the Bad guy, but honestly, none of them are really that great. Clint Eastwood is partnered up with a thief/murderer, and they do scams together, like not being hanged, but still collecting the bounty for turning Tucho in. Tucho, or Pioneer Dustin Hoffman, is gross and greedy and stupid, so Clint drops him after a while. There's sort of a cat and mouse quality to their friendship, until Italian Daniel Day Lewis shows up, looking for the same treasure they heard about. He is ruthless, and they all get to the massive Civil War cemetery where its buried, and they ha...

Lights Out - in which a really good sister saves her brother from their terrible mom. So, there is a boy who lives with his mom and the ghost of her friend, his cool sister moved out a while ago. His dad is killed by a monster in the opening scene of the movie, but the rest of the movie appears to take place about a year later. So, the kid is losing sleep because his mom's creepy ghost friend won't stop fucking with him, and Family Services gets involved because he starts falling asleep in school. The mom isn't responding to the school, so they call the sister, Rebecca, and she and her nice boyfriend show up to help. The kid stays with his sister for a night, but the school people tell Rebecca that she can't just take custody of Jake, but she doesn't want to take him home because their mother is mentally ill, coping poorly with the death of her husband, and also Rebecca knows about the ghost lady, and that she's real. So, a few nights later, she is letting J...