The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly - in which three guys work together and against each other to get some pretty sweet treasure while avoiding the Civil War. First, some mean looking guy I named Italian Daniel Day Lewis is a cold blooded murderer, and although he does what he is paid to do, he also does fuck around, and will interpret a wet death rattle into an assassination request. One that he is happy to fulfill. This is the Bad guy, but honestly, none of them are really that great. Clint Eastwood is partnered up with a thief/murderer, and they do scams together, like not being hanged, but still collecting the bounty for turning Tucho in. Tucho, or Pioneer Dustin Hoffman, is gross and greedy and stupid, so Clint drops him after a while. There's sort of a cat and mouse quality to their friendship, until Italian Daniel Day Lewis shows up, looking for the same treasure they heard about. He is ruthless, and they all get to the massive Civil War cemetery where its buried, and they have a shootout. The Bad guy dies, the Ugly guy will probably be fine, and the Good guy gets away with half the gold.

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Ghost Rider

Ghost Rider - in which Nic Cage plays Johnny Blaze and some rando plays Ghost Rider and Eva Mendez fails all women. To start, some teenagers play Johnny Blaze and Roxanne as a couple in love, but Johnny Blaze can't commit to her because he feels like carny trash, and his dad has cancer. So, when Johnny finds out about his dad's cancer, he gets real upset, and is therefore vulnerable when approached by a Devil, and gladly exchanges his soul for his father's health. Joke's on him, because the Devil is a jerk and as soon as the cancer is gone, Papa Blaze breaks his neck, I guess, or he is mangled by a ring of fire. Its hard to say. Sad, though. Okay, so thirty years go by before Mr. Devil cashes in his Johnny Blaze favor, but in a chilling and tragic coincidence, he does it on the ONE NIGHT Blaze has a date to reconcile with Roxanne, whom he has run into as an adult. While Blaze turns into Ghost Rider and it looks terrible, poor Roxanne (Eva Mendes) is left stood up at...

The Crush

The Crush - in which Cary Elwes makes out with a teenage girl in 1993, and it wasn't me. Alicia Silverstone is amazing and charming. She plays Adrian, a teenage girl with very rich parents, one friend, and a tenuous grasp on reality. The protagonist is supposed to be this author, played by Cary Elwes, but dude's a creep, so he's the villain to me. Reframed: this guy moves into Adrien's parents' carriage house, in the back yard, and I guess she's not used to it being rented out, because she keeps going in there. Like, she has no sense of boundaries, and it seems like no one has ever told her "no," in her whole, beautiful life. So, Wesley, from The Princess Bride, I mean, Cary Elwes, is friendly and charming to her, and obviously flattered by the attention of a young woman. Oh, she's 14. Yeah. So, she gets obsessed with him, and he encourages this friendship by talking to her, inviting her in, spending time with her, and taking her suggestions, like...

Duck Tales - Treasure of the Lost Lamp

Duck Tales: Treasure of the Lost Lamp - in which Scrooge McDuck and his 3 nephews go on a treasure hunting expedition and score big. So, Scrooge and a rival are hunting for a treasure in a cave, and he outwits them, and gets there first. But he is soon outwitted, and he loses the treasure, except a dinky lamp that they let Webby keep. There is a genie in the lamp! The children discover it, and make some dumb wishes, and its cute and fine. Until the rival, who is a shape shifting mage who previously owned the lamp, gets a hold of it again, and wishes himself the McDuck fortune. The mage wished for unlimited wished back in 42AD, so now he gets them. Well, he can't get away with it, and the ducks concoct a plan to take back the lamp. Scrooge uses his 3rd wish to wish genie into be a real boy, so he can't be a slave anymore. It works. Everyone gets ice cream.

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