Skip to main content

Upgrade



UPGRADE - in which the 'husband seeks revenge' trope gets fucked sideways, and something on the periphery reminds me of Pi. In the vaguely distant but unspecified future some hot, masculine dude still wants to drive cars the old fashioned way, and his future-savvy wife thinks its cute. His name is Grey, and he builds/restores muscle cars for money, and today he has built a car for a rich weirdo who lives in a desert in the basement. His wife comes along for the ride, and also so she can drive him home, in her self-driving car. On the way home, the car goes haywire and they crash, and some merc looking dudes come up and shoot him and his wife. Upon awakening, Grey is mostly paralyzed, and he is immediately suidical, even though his nice mom is there to help with adjustment. Grey is beyond pissed that he needs robots now. Fuck robots (not really!). So, the weirdo he sold the car to brings him out to the desert again, and offers him a chance to wear this new AI microchip out, because it will co-pilot with his brain and let him walk again. It reminds me of the microchip from Pi. It is a super secret surgery, Grey has to pretend to still be quadriplegic, and the chip has its own name, it is STEM. So, STEM talks to Grey, and they end up getting along, and STEM is really helpful in Grey's revenge quest to find out who killed his wife, and why. I just thought of it, but I like that the voice of STEM is masculine, but that might be because it figures Grey out and knows how to best approach him. Whatever, I'm just tired of female voice assistants.
     So, while Grey is out interrogating the first dude the clues lead him to, STEM offers to help. Grey agrees, and while he does get some results, he also murders the bad dude in this crazy disgusting way. Grey is freaked out, but maybe getting addicted to revenge, and he gets some more clues. Oh! The police have been working on this case, but they haven't really gotten anywhere, but they do end up finding evidence of Grey being near the guy's house he murdered, and the smart detective has a hunch, but Grey can't even walk, so how could he have killed that guy? Right. Betty Gabriel is the smart detective. Anyways, the plot follows these clues, and STEM gets more aggressive and brutal with every interaction, and Rich Weirdo Genius doesn't like Grey getting on the cops' radar, as the tech is supposed to be secret. So, here's where things kind of coalesce. Grey needs to hack STEM'S system so he won't get disabled while he's out getting revenge, so STEM leads him to a hacker who helps jailbreak STEM. Once STEM gets out, he hijacks Grey's body, and is focused on a need to "finish the mission," and the trail of bodies is leading back to some crazy biotech dudes with guns IN their arms, and leads back to the Rich Weirdo eventually. What a twist! Turns out, Grey's adorable wife was colateral damage, and STEM masterminded the whole thing from inside a gift box, and his target was Grey, because non-chipped humans are hard to come by. I have to watch it again to remember exactly what happens at the end, but there is a strong battle between Grey and STEM and for a second I thought the whole movie was "just a dream," and I was pissed, but that's not what happened. Omg. It was so good. 5/5.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Crush

The Crush - in which Cary Elwes makes out with a teenage girl in 1993, and it wasn't me. Alicia Silverstone is amazing and charming. She plays Adrian, a teenage girl with very rich parents, one friend, and a tenuous grasp on reality. The protagonist is supposed to be this author, played by Cary Elwes, but dude's a creep, so he's the villain to me. Reframed: this guy moves into Adrien's parents'  carriage house, in the back yard, and I guess she's not used to it being rented out, because she keeps going in there. Like, she has no sense of boundaries, and it seems like no one has ever told her "no," in her whole, beautiful life. So, Wesley, from The Princess Bride, I mean, Cary Elwes, is friendly and charming to her, and obviously flattered by the attention of a young woman. Oh, she's 14. Yeah. So, she gets obsessed with him, and he encourages this friendship by talking to her, inviting her in, spending time with her, and taking her suggestions, like...
Post a Comment
Read more

Ghost Rider

Ghost Rider - in which Nic Cage plays Johnny Blaze and some rando plays Ghost Rider and Eva Mendez fails all women. To start, some teenagers play Johnny Blaze and Roxanne as a couple in love, but Johnny Blaze can't commit to her because he feels like carny trash, and his dad has cancer. So, when Johnny finds out about his dad's cancer, he gets real upset, and is therefore vulnerable when approached by a Devil, and gladly exchanges his soul for his father's health. Joke's on him, because the Devil is a jerk and as soon as the cancer is gone, Papa Blaze breaks his neck, I guess, or he is mangled by a ring of fire. Its hard to say. Sad, though. Okay, so thirty years go by before Mr. Devil cashes in his Johnny Blaze favor, but in a chilling and tragic coincidence, he does it on the ONE NIGHT Blaze has a date to reconcile with Roxanne, whom he has run into as an adult. While Blaze turns into Ghost Rider and it looks terrible, poor Roxanne (Eva Mendes) is left stood up at...
Post a Comment
Read more

Event Horizon

Event Horizon - in which sci fi space body horror gets very fucking real, and totally gross. First, Lawrence Fishburne is a space captain named Miller, and his first mate is Joely Richardson, and she rocks. Her accent is real. A bunch of space sailors are escorting science genius Sam Neill to the wreckage of a space ship. It wasn't just a space ship, it was a massive black hole generating machine, and it recently re-emerged around Neptune, and now its just orbiting, being spooky af. To give all the details, Sam Neill, AKA Dr. Weir, is having creepy dreams about his dead wife in his cryo/gravi-sleep pod before they even get to the abandoned wreck. Oh, its called the Event Horizon. So, once the crew rolls up on Event Horizon they get nervous, because its creepy, and a few people go out to investigate the empty ship. Miller orders Dr. Weir to stay aboard their vessel, and he doesn't do a good job of listening. As soon as the crew splits up, one young guy gets sucked into the g...
1 comment
Read more