Movies I've Seen

Near Dark - in which farm boy Caleb is seduced away from his pick-up driving life by a blonde girl with an ice cream cone. Mae is a young, blonde woman who is meandering around town who catches Caleb's eye while he is out drinking with his friends. He leaves his friends to hang out with this strange woman, then he is driving her back to her trailer park, or something, and she starts freaking out about the sun coming up. Mae kisses Caleb, then bites him on the neck, she is a vampire! Then she panics about the sun and bolts out of the truck. Caleb kind of gives up and goes home, but he starts smoldering along the way, as the sun is rising. It looks awesome. He gets picked up by a weird looking RV, by Mae and her not-family. Lance Hendrickson and Bill Paxton (Severin) are terrifying as unhinged immortal murders, and there is a 12 year old perma-boy with a bad attitude, and a grown ass woman named Diamondback, who is not very maternal. Caleb is not a full vampire yet, as he has not k...

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 - in which Peter Quill (Star Lord) is interrupted while doing space hi-jinks with his motley crew by a Kurt Russel claiming to be his father. Ego (that's his name) is not lying, he really is Peter's dad, but Gamora doesn't trust him and neither does Drax. Drax, however, is distracted by Ego's pet empath with antennae. Rocket and Baby Groot and Nebula are stuck on a planet, fixing the ship. In the meantime, Yondu's crew does a mutiny because he is too soft on Peter, but that's because he feels paternal feels for him. Because he saved him when he found out what Ego was doing to the children Yondu had been smuggling for him. Side note: smuggling children breaks the Ravager code, so Yondu and his crew are exiled from Ravager business. The new crew finds the ship with Rocket working on it, and they eventually capture Rocket and Baby Groot, and Nebula is a natural leader, so the Ravagers just end up doing what she says. Yondu and Rocket...

Heat - in which Robert DeNiro and Val Kilmer are crime friends while Al Pacino investigates their crimes. Val Kilmer and DeNiro are good friends and good bank robbers, and they usually have Tom Sizemore on their team, but they need a 4th for this new job, so they bring on someone they shouldn't trust. They first hold up an armored car in a very organized manner, but the 4th guy is stupid and reckless and he kills one of the drivers, so they have to kill all of them. This is sad for the drivers, and for DeNiro, who doesn't like to murder, but strongly prefers it to being in jail. They get away with this crime, but Al Pacino starts to investigate them, which pulls him away from his mean wife and needy step-daughter. Pacino is an amazing detective, and starts to put the pieces together, eventually, and when the guys go to do one more big job, he is ready to catch them.  Oh! Val Kilmer has a tough relationship and a gambling problem, so he asks his friends to do the last job for ...

Edge of Tomorrow - in which Tom Cruise illustrates what he has learned from both Emily Blunt and Bill Murray. Cruise is a military PR guy named Cage, who tries to get out of ground combat, and accidentally ends up deserting the World Military Force in England. The combat mission is against some scary af aliens, called Mimics, and they are winning the war for Earth. Bummer. Alright, so, Cruise ends up on a battlefield while his unit is getting wrecked, and he gets off this lucky shot and kills a super big and blue glowing mimic, but it backfires, like literally and the alien explodes goo all over him, killing him. Then he wakes up like 36 hours before, and is trapped in a Groundhog Day situation until he finds out it also happened to Emily Blunt, who is a military celebrity affectionately named the Full Metal Bitch. It is technically propaganda, but it is also badass. She helps Cruise train to fight the mimics, and they get a little bit further every day, but it is grueling, and possibl...

Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives - in which Jason is accidentally resurrected by lightning and the smell of fear, and Tommy Jarvis does alright for himself. After watching his mother and sister be murdered by Jason (IV), little Tommy Jarvis spent some time in an institution (V), but now that he's got his nightmares under control, Tommy is visiting Jason's disgusting grave to desecrate Jason's grave (if  such a thing is possible) and burn his remains. He brings his own hockey mask for the occasion, and his fellow insane friend helps him dig up Jason's body. It is mostly maggots at this point, but Tommy gets upset, grabs a rake or fence post, and starts stabbing the mush/corpse. In an unexpected twist, the approaching storm arrives instantly, and lightning strikes the metal rod while it is embedded in Jason's body -- waking him up from a deep and scary sleep. The sane friend dies. And the drunk gravedigger.      Tommy sensibly runs to the sheriff's office to ...

Big Trouble in Little China - in which Kurt Russell plays an intersectional feminist who wrecks his truck while trying to save a small business man and rescue victims of sex trafficking. Okay, so, Kurt Russell plays Jack Burton, a tractor-trailer driving trucker with a sassy CB handle (Porkchop Express) who arrives in the Little China section of San Francisco to play cards with his Chinese friend, Wang. After Jack beats Wang at cards, he goes with him to the airport to pick up his green-eyed girlfriend who is flying in from China. At the airport Jack tries to pick up immigration lawyer, Kim Cattrall, but she appears to be interested in meeting her, client, I guess, but wary of gang members. Her suspicions are confirmed when the gang kidnaps Wang's girlfriend! instead of the other Chinese girl, I guess? Her green eyes make her an exotic sell on the sex market, but the real reason she is taken is for magical purposes. Okay, so, after a chase and they lose the gang and the girlfriend ...

Guardians of the Galaxy - in which Marvel studios gives a cartoon raccoon a machine gun, while DC was hiring the acclaimed author of Ice Age Continental Drift for the Wonder Woman screenplay. Motherfuckers. Okay, so Peter Quill, AKA Star-Lord, used to live on Earth, but he was abducted shortly after his mother's death, luckily with his backpack and some mix tapes. So, he is raised Ravager, and he's trying to break out, and steal stuff as a solo guy, but as soon as he gets his hands on a hot item, some scary guys are all over him, saying that they want the orb for some dummy named Ronin. Too bad, Ronin! Star-Lord makes it to this nice planet with proper cities, and goes to try to sell the orb, but the buyer backs out, once he hears that blue-faced Ronin wants it. Star-Lordhas picked up two tails, and green Gamora tackles him and tries to get the orb, but not for Ronin, even though her father sold her and her sister into Ronin-slavery, and this AWESOME, sassy raccoon and his bo...

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot - in which Tina Fey does real acting, portraying a woman who did real reporting, and Alfred Molina does some real dancing. Okay, so, Tina Fey is this boring brunette who lives and works in NYC in cable news in 2003, and she has an epiphany on a treadmill, which I was assured by Liz Lemon, was for zipping up dresses while alone, and moves to Afghanistan to be a war reporter. She was a NY 7, but in Kabul, she is a 9.5. Margot Robbie is a 13. So, she learns how hard it is to operate overseas, and does some good reporting, and gets along with the military, even Colonel or something Billy Bob Thorton. She lands this interview with a minister of defense or state or something, and it is Alfred Molina with a great, big, bushy beard! He is very into her, she tries to stick to her questions. Oh, Tina has this professional and sexy translator who has a secret crush on her, but he doesn't approve of all of her dangerous choices, so he leaves in a very gentle manner, havin...

Nightcrawler - in which a spirited entrepreneur gets into the guts=glory game of news footage gathering, by starting his own professional news gathering service. Lou Bloom is played by a very skinny Jake Gyllenhaal, and he is a petty thief who tries very hard to be charming, but there's just something about him people don't like, which is why he has no friends. He's got this weird way of talking, saying everything very matter-of-fact, even if what he's saying isn't really a fact, but he seems to convince some dumber people anyway. So, Lou Bloom happens upon a bad accident one night, and sees Bill Paxton filming the wreck and when he overhears Paxton say how much money he expects to get for the footage, his face lights up and he asks to work for him. Paxton says no, but is kind of a dick about it, and Lou Bloom steals a bike to trade at a pawn shop for a digital camera. He advertises for an employee to drive him around, but when he meets a rube who appears to be on t...