Friday the 13th Part 6

Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives - in which Jason is accidentally resurrected by lightning and the smell of fear, and Tommy Jarvis does alright for himself. After watching his mother and sister be murdered by Jason (IV), little Tommy Jarvis spent some time in an institution (V), but now that he's got his nightmares under control, Tommy is visiting Jason's disgusting grave to desecrate Jason's grave (if such a thing is possible) and burn his remains. He brings his own hockey mask for the occasion, and his fellow insane friend helps him dig up Jason's body. It is mostly maggots at this point, but Tommy gets upset, grabs a rake or fence post, and starts stabbing the mush/corpse. In an unexpected twist, the approaching storm arrives instantly, and lightning strikes the metal rod while it is embedded in Jason's body -- waking him up from a deep and scary sleep. The sane friend dies. And the drunk gravedigger.
Tommy sensibly runs to the sheriff's office to report the miracle, and the sheriff of what is now "Forest Green" instead of Crystal Lake, doesn't believe him. But his cute daughter does. So, when the daughter and her friends are re-opening Camp Crystal Lake, but murders start happening, she sensibly runs to Tommy to help him dispose of Jason - once and for all! Using Occult magic and Witchcraft books, Tommy and Blonde woman figure out they need to lure Jason out to the middle of Crystal Lake and re-drown him with an anchor. Tommy lives. Jason dies. This is the one with that terrible RV sex scene. And those paintballing office coworkers add to Jason's body count significantly.

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Ghost Rider

Ghost Rider - in which Nic Cage plays Johnny Blaze and some rando plays Ghost Rider and Eva Mendez fails all women. To start, some teenagers play Johnny Blaze and Roxanne as a couple in love, but Johnny Blaze can't commit to her because he feels like carny trash, and his dad has cancer. So, when Johnny finds out about his dad's cancer, he gets real upset, and is therefore vulnerable when approached by a Devil, and gladly exchanges his soul for his father's health. Joke's on him, because the Devil is a jerk and as soon as the cancer is gone, Papa Blaze breaks his neck, I guess, or he is mangled by a ring of fire. Its hard to say. Sad, though. Okay, so thirty years go by before Mr. Devil cashes in his Johnny Blaze favor, but in a chilling and tragic coincidence, he does it on the ONE NIGHT Blaze has a date to reconcile with Roxanne, whom he has run into as an adult. While Blaze turns into Ghost Rider and it looks terrible, poor Roxanne (Eva Mendes) is left stood up at...

The Crush

The Crush - in which Cary Elwes makes out with a teenage girl in 1993, and it wasn't me. Alicia Silverstone is amazing and charming. She plays Adrian, a teenage girl with very rich parents, one friend, and a tenuous grasp on reality. The protagonist is supposed to be this author, played by Cary Elwes, but dude's a creep, so he's the villain to me. Reframed: this guy moves into Adrien's parents' carriage house, in the back yard, and I guess she's not used to it being rented out, because she keeps going in there. Like, she has no sense of boundaries, and it seems like no one has ever told her "no," in her whole, beautiful life. So, Wesley, from The Princess Bride, I mean, Cary Elwes, is friendly and charming to her, and obviously flattered by the attention of a young woman. Oh, she's 14. Yeah. So, she gets obsessed with him, and he encourages this friendship by talking to her, inviting her in, spending time with her, and taking her suggestions, like...

Duck Tales - Treasure of the Lost Lamp

Duck Tales: Treasure of the Lost Lamp - in which Scrooge McDuck and his 3 nephews go on a treasure hunting expedition and score big. So, Scrooge and a rival are hunting for a treasure in a cave, and he outwits them, and gets there first. But he is soon outwitted, and he loses the treasure, except a dinky lamp that they let Webby keep. There is a genie in the lamp! The children discover it, and make some dumb wishes, and its cute and fine. Until the rival, who is a shape shifting mage who previously owned the lamp, gets a hold of it again, and wishes himself the McDuck fortune. The mage wished for unlimited wished back in 42AD, so now he gets them. Well, he can't get away with it, and the ducks concoct a plan to take back the lamp. Scrooge uses his 3rd wish to wish genie into be a real boy, so he can't be a slave anymore. It works. Everyone gets ice cream.

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