Guardians of the Galaxy

Guardians of the Galaxy - in which Marvel studios gives a cartoon raccoon a machine gun, while DC was hiring the acclaimed author of Ice Age Continental Drift for the Wonder Woman screenplay. Motherfuckers. Okay, so Peter Quill, AKA Star-Lord, used to live on Earth, but he was abducted shortly after his mother's death, luckily with his backpack and some mix tapes. So, he is raised Ravager, and he's trying to break out, and steal stuff as a solo guy, but as soon as he gets his hands on a hot item, some scary guys are all over him, saying that they want the orb for some dummy named Ronin. Too bad, Ronin! Star-Lord makes it to this nice planet with proper cities, and goes to try to sell the orb, but the buyer backs out, once he hears that blue-faced Ronin wants it. Star-Lordhas picked up two tails, and green Gamora tackles him and tries to get the orb, but not for Ronin, even though her father sold her and her sister into Ronin-slavery, and this AWESOME, sassy raccoon and his bodyguard friend, the tree. So, everyone gets arrested for causing a scene and taken to a super max prison planet where they meet Lloyd Kaufman and their new friend Drax with the scars. Rocket breaks them out of the prison because Peter says he will split the profits from selling the orb to a guy Gamora knows, ps she is betraying Ronin because he is a jerk and she does not like being a slave. So, the gang brings the orb to Benecio del Toro, but his pink slave tries to grab it and harness its power to free herself, but it burns her alive from the inside instead. Peter and the gang take off with the infinity stone, but Ronin shows up to squash everyone, and he knows they are in a decaying giant monster brain because drunk Drax called him to bar fight. Idiots. They run away, but they figure out they need to stop Ronin from destroying the nice city they were in before, where John C Riley lives with his pink wife. The space police, the Nova Corps, show up after Star-Lord calls them to say where Ronin is, and that he has the infinity stone. Ronin fights through the Novawall, but Star-Lord and Rocket and Groot and Gamora and Drax have a plan and crash his ship from the inside, and then Peter tricks Ronin with dancing while Rocket saves the day. Peter is not 100% human, because he holds the infinity stone with his friends' help, then they put it back into the orb, gather the scraps of Groot, and make their way out into the wild black yonder.

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Death Wish

Death Wish (1974) - in which the justice system fails a man who lost his family, and he goes off the rails in finding personal justice. I mean vengeance. Charles Bronson plays Paul Kersey, a husband and father and architect, who has a nice NYC life. One day, near the beginning of the movie, Paul's wife is murdered and his daughter is raped into a catatonic state, from which she will not likely recover. Sexist. Anyways, Paul is destroyed, so his boss sends him out to New Mexico, or another lawless state, for a 3 month long project. Paul does some recovering while he is out there, and is befriended by his big money client, with a big hat and big guns. Upon arriving back in NYC, Paul is disheartened to find his daughter in terrible condition, and his son-in-law coping poorly. There have also been no arrests in his wife's murder, as the police are very busy with a crime spree related to gang violence. Paul is a really sympathetic guy, and his pain is visible, and very real. So,...

Event Horizon

Event Horizon - in which sci fi space body horror gets very fucking real, and totally gross. First, Lawrence Fishburne is a space captain named Miller, and his first mate is Joely Richardson, and she rocks. Her accent is real. A bunch of space sailors are escorting science genius Sam Neill to the wreckage of a space ship. It wasn't just a space ship, it was a massive black hole generating machine, and it recently re-emerged around Neptune, and now its just orbiting, being spooky af. To give all the details, Sam Neill, AKA Dr. Weir, is having creepy dreams about his dead wife in his cryo/gravi-sleep pod before they even get to the abandoned wreck. Oh, its called the Event Horizon. So, once the crew rolls up on Event Horizon they get nervous, because its creepy, and a few people go out to investigate the empty ship. Miller orders Dr. Weir to stay aboard their vessel, and he doesn't do a good job of listening. As soon as the crew splits up, one young guy gets sucked into the g...

Raw

Raw - in which France has the grossest veterinary school imaginable, and vegetarianism is the thinking woman's solution to the broken Greek system. Some skinny girl goes to the same veterinary school her older sister is currently attending, and her bitch sister doesn't even help her move in to the dorm she is sharing with a guy. Albeit a gay guy, but I'm assuming not all of the men in this coed dorm are gay. The first night the hazing begins, the freshmen are herded out of their rooms by threat of violence, and all of their mattresses are thrown onto the front lawn. It takes a surreal turn into gross-cinema discomfort at the rave they are all taken to and our tiny protagonist runs into her mean sister and is peer pressured into taking some club drugs. Things are just starting to get weird. Some kind of creepy things are happening, but it mostly just reminds me of the lonely horror of my college experience, except I wasn't peer pressured into eating a rabbit kidney, ...

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