Movies I've Seen

Deadpool 2 - in which Deadpool cries like a bitch, and I do not. First of all, Deadpool is working, and then he goes home to celebrate an anniversary with his girlfriend, who tells him they can try to have a baby now. Also, he gives her a plot device for a gift, and she gives him her removed IUD. There is no sex scene, and then the two of them are just chilling, and some guy Deadpool neglected to murder comes and kills his girlfriend. Deadpool does not take it well, and even though he like, immediately got revenge on the guy who shot her. Ultimately, he feels both responsible and sad, so he tries to kill himself. It doesn't take. His friend, Colossus, shows up and takes DP to be a part of a B team of X-men, as an official trainee. They go to a showdown between a teen named Russel (Julian Dennison) and some jerks who run the orphanage he lives in. Russel wants to kill the guys who have been abusing him, and Deadpool kind of talks him down, until The kid tells him he was abused b...

Solo: A Star Wars Story - in which Han Solo has a does his first big heist, and its not a great success, but he sort of figures it out by the end. Its fine. Its... its fine. The movie starts is when Han is a teenager, and he's been an orphan for a while now, but he's not alone because he has a girlfriend and they are running scams for a local mobster. He grifts a little off the top, and uses it to bribe his way off the most depressing planet I've seen in a long time. Han tries to bring his girlfriend Qi'ra, but they get busted and she's dragged back to her grimy life of crime. Something cringey happens at the space airport, but whatever, I'm over it. Han joins the Army to escape Corellia, but it isn't working out for Han, so he defects after they throw him to a literal wolf, except its a tortured Chewbacca, and Han rescues him! So, they escape together, Woody Harrelson gives them a lift, and invites them to a heist, but it goes south, and they lose all o...

Ghost Rider - in which Nic Cage plays Johnny Blaze and some rando plays Ghost Rider and Eva Mendez fails all women. To start, some teenagers play Johnny Blaze and Roxanne as a couple in love, but Johnny Blaze can't commit to her because he feels like carny trash, and his dad has cancer. So, when Johnny finds out about his dad's cancer, he gets real upset, and is therefore vulnerable when approached by a Devil, and gladly exchanges his soul for his father's health. Joke's on him, because the Devil is a jerk and as soon as the cancer is gone, Papa Blaze breaks his neck, I guess, or he is mangled by a ring of fire. Its hard to say. Sad, though. Okay, so thirty years go by before Mr. Devil cashes in his Johnny Blaze favor, but in a chilling and tragic coincidence, he does it on the ONE NIGHT Blaze has a date to reconcile with Roxanne, whom he has run into as an adult. While Blaze turns into Ghost Rider and it looks terrible, poor Roxanne (Eva Mendes) is left stood up at...

Matilda - in which a little girl outsmarts everyone and is a telekinetic genius. So, this is based on the book by Roald Dahl, which I loved growing up. So, I knew everything that was gonna happen in the movie. It was a decent adaptation, and Mara Wilson was cute.Danny DeVito directed and starred and narrated the movie, so I guess he liked the book. So, the plot is that Matilda has a terrible family who discourages learning and reading and only watches TV and eats TV dinners. Matilda teaches herself to read at a very young age, because she is a genius. Her family is mean so she pranks them by dying her father's hair, and then one day she goes to a school with a monster Headmistress named Trenchbull, who has all sorts of tortures she does to children, and Matilda has a sweet kindergarten teacher named Miss Honey. Miss Honey is the only one who sees Matilda as the genius she is, and gives her special assignments to advance her. The twist is that Matilda has so much extra brain pow...

Throw Momma From the Train - in which Billy Crystal is made to look average-sized and sane by standing next to Danny DeVito. So, Billy Crystal is an angry ex-husband who wants his successful ex wife dead. He accidentally conveys a message to a student in his creative writing class that the student should kill his ex wife for him. Owen (Danny DeVito) is tiny and adorable and earnest and is just the best, so when he goes to kill the ex wife, he seems kind of sweet and dumb. See, Crystal was giving him advice on writing a mystery novel, so he recommended Strangers on a Train, but Owen is kind of dumb, and in a lot of pain from having to live with his awful mother and not kill her every day. So, he thinks the Strangers on a Train proposition in the movie is a coded but firm message from Crystal to do each other's murders. Crisscross. He flies to Hawaii and tries to kill the ex wife, and then he calls Crystal to say he did it, and because Crystal didn't have an alibi, he flips o...