Skip to main content

Big Trouble in Little China

Big Trouble in Little China - in which Kurt Russell plays an intersectional feminist who wrecks his truck while trying to save a small business man and rescue victims of sex trafficking. Okay, so, Kurt Russell plays Jack Burton, a tractor-trailer driving trucker with a sassy CB handle (Porkchop Express) who arrives in the Little China section of San Francisco to play cards with his Chinese friend, Wang. After Jack beats Wang at cards, he goes with him to the airport to pick up his green-eyed girlfriend who is flying in from China. At the airport Jack tries to pick up immigration lawyer, Kim Cattrall, but she appears to be interested in meeting her, client, I guess, but wary of gang members. Her suspicions are confirmed when the gang kidnaps Wang's girlfriend! instead of the other Chinese girl, I guess? Her green eyes make her an exotic sell on the sex market, but the real reason she is taken is for magical purposes. Okay, so, after a chase and they lose the gang and the girlfriend named Miao. Once back in Lil China, Burton and Wang run into a funeral parade, blocking traffic, which slowly deteriorates into a street fight between some gangs and some elemental guys in huge hats: Thunder, Lightning and Punch. And then Jack and Wang get cornered by a scary Chinese ghost, whom Jack tries to run over, but the ghost wins and somehow gets the truck. Jack is mad.
       Then Jack and Wang team up with Kim Cattrall and her reporter friend to infiltrate the brothel they suspect Miao is being held at, but Jack blows their cover by asking for a green-eyed Asian girl, and then he has to run into the room where Miao is tied down and save her by force. But, I guess he fails because then Jack and Wang have to go into the gang's warehouse type building, but they are discovered and taken many floors underground and tied to chairs. The chairs are easy to escape from, but the elevator has a lot of buttons and they're not sure which one will lead to the scary ghost, who is apparently holding Miao in order to marry her and manifest a prophecy or just physically manifest. But as soon as he marries her, he will have a body again, and will no longer be a super-powerful ghost. Doesn't seem to add up. Egg Shein and Kim Cattrall join them in their fight for Miao, but Cattrall gets herself kidnapped and hypnotized, because, I guess the prophecy was just about women with green eyes, not Asians with green eyes? Its hard to say. So, Lo Pan and the 3 gi-gantos with the hats hold Jack and Wang at bay. Jack is easy to knock out, Wang is super good at Kung Fu. Then Lo Pan marries one or both of the green eyed gals, then they can blow him up, which they do, in a huge underground battle. The good guys win, and Jack gets his truck back. Oh, and he gets the money Wang owes him. Then, the Porkchop Express is back on the road.


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The Crush

The Crush - in which Cary Elwes makes out with a teenage girl in 1993, and it wasn't me. Alicia Silverstone is amazing and charming. She plays Adrian, a teenage girl with very rich parents, one friend, and a tenuous grasp on reality. The protagonist is supposed to be this author, played by Cary Elwes, but dude's a creep, so he's the villain to me. Reframed: this guy moves into Adrien's parents'  carriage house, in the back yard, and I guess she's not used to it being rented out, because she keeps going in there. Like, she has no sense of boundaries, and it seems like no one has ever told her "no," in her whole, beautiful life. So, Wesley, from The Princess Bride, I mean, Cary Elwes, is friendly and charming to her, and obviously flattered by the attention of a young woman. Oh, she's 14. Yeah. So, she gets obsessed with him, and he encourages this friendship by talking to her, inviting her in, spending time with her, and taking her suggestions, like...

Ghost Rider

Ghost Rider - in which Nic Cage plays Johnny Blaze and some rando plays Ghost Rider and Eva Mendez fails all women. To start, some teenagers play Johnny Blaze and Roxanne as a couple in love, but Johnny Blaze can't commit to her because he feels like carny trash, and his dad has cancer. So, when Johnny finds out about his dad's cancer, he gets real upset, and is therefore vulnerable when approached by a Devil, and gladly exchanges his soul for his father's health. Joke's on him, because the Devil is a jerk and as soon as the cancer is gone, Papa Blaze breaks his neck, I guess, or he is mangled by a ring of fire. Its hard to say. Sad, though. Okay, so thirty years go by before Mr. Devil cashes in his Johnny Blaze favor, but in a chilling and tragic coincidence, he does it on the ONE NIGHT Blaze has a date to reconcile with Roxanne, whom he has run into as an adult. While Blaze turns into Ghost Rider and it looks terrible, poor Roxanne (Eva Mendes) is left stood up at...

Event Horizon

Event Horizon - in which sci fi space body horror gets very fucking real, and totally gross. First, Lawrence Fishburne is a space captain named Miller, and his first mate is Joely Richardson, and she rocks. Her accent is real. A bunch of space sailors are escorting science genius Sam Neill to the wreckage of a space ship. It wasn't just a space ship, it was a massive black hole generating machine, and it recently re-emerged around Neptune, and now its just orbiting, being spooky af. To give all the details, Sam Neill, AKA Dr. Weir, is having creepy dreams about his dead wife in his cryo/gravi-sleep pod before they even get to the abandoned wreck. Oh, its called the Event Horizon. So, once the crew rolls up on Event Horizon they get nervous, because its creepy, and a few people go out to investigate the empty ship. Miller orders Dr. Weir to stay aboard their vessel, and he doesn't do a good job of listening. As soon as the crew splits up, one young guy gets sucked into the g...