Skip to main content

Bloody Mallory



Bloody Mallory - in which a French vampire hunter is hired by her own government to protect the Pope from the forces of evil, because she's the only one with the ability to do so. I didn't know this was a French-language movie, Netflix didn't tell me that, but I wasn't gonna let that stop me from enjoying an early 2000's horror crap-fest. Oh, boy. First of all, Mallory actually has a team that helps her fight evil, including a telepathic child, a drag queen with guns in her platforms, and a priest, who dies early on. So, Mallory is first fighting these demons from an episode of BtVS, they are trying to rape a whole cloister of nuns. It appears as though Mallory has gotten there just in time, and she kills the demons, but then the nuns' abdomens swell and explode with more demons. Its bananas. Mallory wins, and then goes on to fight another town of demons, oh, she's doing all of this because she got married once, and on her wedding day her husband revealed to her that he was a demon, and he bled on her a little, and now she talks to his ghost sometimes. Tina gets killed, but her psyche jumps to an animal, maybe a bat who was flying around the PINK HEARSE Mallory drives. Then her queen friend, Vena Cava, gets lost in the woods. Mallory is brought in to some government offices and shown the video of the pope getting kidnapped, and she spends a lot of time shit talking the priests who failed at their job of protecting him.
    On the road, alone, Mallory to a town that has been taken over by demons, and she fights them, frees the town, containing the two priests who let the pope get kidnapped. Talking Tina gets into the body of one of the bad guys, and the cute priest tags along while they go to save the pope, who has been kidnapped by a demon goddess and a very powerful vampiress. The pope is being held in a castle with Indiana Jones style traps, that Mallory and Vena Cava manage to diffuse, and when they finally get to Pope, turns out - he was IN on the whole thing. Wow. Mallory kicks the pope's ass, and the new priest does not leave the church to bang her, and her demon ex-husband shows up for snuggles.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Death Wish

Death Wish (1974) - in which the justice system fails a man who lost his family, and he goes off the rails in finding personal justice. I mean vengeance. Charles Bronson plays Paul Kersey, a husband and father and architect, who has a nice NYC life. One day, near the beginning of the movie, Paul's wife is murdered and his daughter is raped into a catatonic state, from which she will not likely recover. Sexist. Anyways, Paul is destroyed, so his boss sends him out to New Mexico, or another lawless state, for a 3 month long project. Paul does some recovering while he is out there, and is befriended by his big money client, with a big hat and big guns. Upon arriving back in NYC, Paul is disheartened to find his daughter in terrible condition, and his son-in-law coping poorly. There have also been no arrests in his wife's murder, as the police are very busy with a crime spree related to gang violence. Paul is a really sympathetic guy, and his pain is visible, and very real. So,...
1 comment
Read more

Event Horizon

Event Horizon - in which sci fi space body horror gets very fucking real, and totally gross. First, Lawrence Fishburne is a space captain named Miller, and his first mate is Joely Richardson, and she rocks. Her accent is real. A bunch of space sailors are escorting science genius Sam Neill to the wreckage of a space ship. It wasn't just a space ship, it was a massive black hole generating machine, and it recently re-emerged around Neptune, and now its just orbiting, being spooky af. To give all the details, Sam Neill, AKA Dr. Weir, is having creepy dreams about his dead wife in his cryo/gravi-sleep pod before they even get to the abandoned wreck. Oh, its called the Event Horizon. So, once the crew rolls up on Event Horizon they get nervous, because its creepy, and a few people go out to investigate the empty ship. Miller orders Dr. Weir to stay aboard their vessel, and he doesn't do a good job of listening. As soon as the crew splits up, one young guy gets sucked into the g...
1 comment
Read more

Arrival

Arrival - in which aliens come by the earth to make some new friends, and it goes okay. First, some scary ships have descended on Earth, and there's a bunch of them, like 30, and they just look like hovering rocks. The militaries of the world are cooperating with each other, except the jerks like N. Korea and Russia, and the other new axis guys. So, the plot happens when Forest Whitaker comes to find Amy Adams in the college where she works, this is while the alien invasion is new, and she is convinced to go help communicate with the aliens. She gets there and makes friends with physicist Jeremy Renner, and they work together to decipher the inky messages the squid-aliens transmit. The messages are all visual. They work on this together for months, hanging out in the ship with the aliens, struggling to communicate. Amy Adams starts having visions, or dreams, of the future, where she has a daughter, who dies of cancer, and she knew her daughter would have cancer and die, but she ...
1 comment
Read more