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Bloody Mallory



Bloody Mallory - in which a French vampire hunter is hired by her own government to protect the Pope from the forces of evil, because she's the only one with the ability to do so. I didn't know this was a French-language movie, Netflix didn't tell me that, but I wasn't gonna let that stop me from enjoying an early 2000's horror crap-fest. Oh, boy. First of all, Mallory actually has a team that helps her fight evil, including a telepathic child, a drag queen with guns in her platforms, and a priest, who dies early on. So, Mallory is first fighting these demons from an episode of BtVS, they are trying to rape a whole cloister of nuns. It appears as though Mallory has gotten there just in time, and she kills the demons, but then the nuns' abdomens swell and explode with more demons. Its bananas. Mallory wins, and then goes on to fight another town of demons, oh, she's doing all of this because she got married once, and on her wedding day her husband revealed to her that he was a demon, and he bled on her a little, and now she talks to his ghost sometimes. Tina gets killed, but her psyche jumps to an animal, maybe a bat who was flying around the PINK HEARSE Mallory drives. Then her queen friend, Vena Cava, gets lost in the woods. Mallory is brought in to some government offices and shown the video of the pope getting kidnapped, and she spends a lot of time shit talking the priests who failed at their job of protecting him.
    On the road, alone, Mallory to a town that has been taken over by demons, and she fights them, frees the town, containing the two priests who let the pope get kidnapped. Talking Tina gets into the body of one of the bad guys, and the cute priest tags along while they go to save the pope, who has been kidnapped by a demon goddess and a very powerful vampiress. The pope is being held in a castle with Indiana Jones style traps, that Mallory and Vena Cava manage to diffuse, and when they finally get to Pope, turns out - he was IN on the whole thing. Wow. Mallory kicks the pope's ass, and the new priest does not leave the church to bang her, and her demon ex-husband shows up for snuggles.

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