Movies I've Seen

Deep Rising - in which Kevin O'Conner is treasure hunting and he accidentally finds Famke Janssen. Okay, first Treat Williams is captain of a small boat, and he is hired by a couple of treasure hunters to find this ship that has gone missing. The ship was filled with the richest people ever, plus one Famke Janssen who was trying to do a scam, but she got caught red-handed. The fancy lux ship doesn't have a brig, so the captain improvises and locks Famke in the pantry. Something happens to the ship to make it go missing and knock out all of its power, and its aliens, but the movie doesn't tell us that for a while. It's a surprise. So, when Treat Williams and Kevin O'Conner, some Asian woman and others arrive at the luxury liner, its all dark, and they break in via the jet-ski dock, and the aliens are still on the ship. There are disgusting bloody skeletons EVERYWHERE, and some gross goop. The aliens perk up and chase the new guests on the ship. Chaos ensues...

Bram Stoker's Dracula - is not the book, as the title would suggest, but a strange and terrible movie Francis Ford Coppola made after reading Dracula, the book. First of all, Keanu Reeves is trying his best, but no one should have asked him to do an English accent. He makes Jonathan Harker into a sweet, lovable kid, and Winona Ryder's Mina is much too advanced for him. Okay, some weird stuff - Gary Oldman as Dracula appears as a strange warrior weirdo with a suit that looks like the sinew of muscles, from like 1400 or something. Then he has a double-beehive hairdo and some wicked red robes when Keanu finally shows up with some paperwork. Okay, the effects are cool. They're all in-camera and the moving shadows look neat, but it saves nothing. Yes, real effects are used to turn Dracula into a wolf monster who has sex with Lucy. In wolf form. Gross. Yuck, its so gross!     The plot continues according to what normally happens, with some weirdness added ...

Pet Sematary - in which a man neglects his family to tragic ends, and tries to make up for it with more bad decision making. Remember that episode of The Office where Michael needs to do Safety Training better than the werehouse guys, and so he gets a trampoline and tests some watermelons on it, and it goes poorly, and then Dwight asks him is he wants to do some more tests, and Michael says no, let's just do it, the tests aren't going very well? Its kinda like that. A man moves into a new home with his family, and they are unfazed by the serious traffic problem on their road. Luckily, their neighbor across is Herman Munster! So, what happens is, first a cat dies, and the daughter can't deal, so the dad buries the cat in the resurrection cemetery, and the cat comes back to life, but its not really that nice anymore. There's a whole bunch of stuff happening in the movie that isn't really related to the plot, like the mom, Tasha Yar, had this awful sister she was...

Shadow of the Vampire - in which the behind the scenes story of the making of Nosferatu reveals that he was a real-ass vampire. John Malkovich plays the real life director, Frederich Wilhelm Murnau, who is obviously a crazy person, based on the fact that Malkovich is playing him, and he found a real vampire to be in his Dracula knock-off movie. He has a producer named Albin, and some writer who gets eaten halfway through production. So, the company travels from Germany to Romania to this small town a weird castle, and Murnau tells them "Max Shreck" will be playing a vampire through method acting, which hasn't been invented, and he will stay at the Creepy castle where they find him. Like, they don't even introduce the cast or crew to him, they are filming a scene of Eddie Izzard approaching the Castle, and Max Schreck appears out of nowhere, in frame, and freaks everyone tf out. Murnau does his best to keep Max segregated, I guess, but he still ends up interactin...

Paranormal Activity - in which a girl is haunted, and no one calls the Ghostbusters! Idiots. A woman and her boyfriend hone in on some creepy, standard haunting things when he purchases a video camera, and sets it up while they sleep. Yes, it is a found footage movie, and it is one of two that I like (Blair Witch Project). So, the haunting escalates as the boyfriend agitates the spirit more and more, by taunting it and saying he doesn't "believe" it exists, or whatever. But it clearly does. So, after a couple weeks of scarier bumps in the night, and creepy sleepwalking, the boyfriend finally caves and admits that there's a demon haunting them, and might possess his girlfriend, or kill them both. However, he does not want anyone's help with this problem, and he contrives no solutions, and his girlfriend gets possessed and eats him. Sad for her, he deserves it. If you have a ghost or a demon - call a professional! Tourist City Ghostbusters@ 321.80.HAUNT

The Shining - in which a madman has made a film about more madmen, and poor Shelly DuVall barely survives. Jack Torrence moves his wife and son into an isolated hotel for the winter season, and they better plan on getting along, because they are stuck up there for months! Their son, Danny is psychic, and so it makes him more vulnerable to the psychic attacks of the Overlook Hotel. It kind of leaves Wendy alone, and it sinks its teeth into Jack, drawing out his dry-drunk resentment and his natural violent tendencies. A ghost of the guy who murdered his wife and twin daughters keeps showing up to hang out with Jack, and Jack is getting NO work done on his typewriter, despite yelling at nice Wendy to leave him alone. You know, to "concentrate." All work and no play make Jack a dull girl, I know it well. Things really start to deteriorate when the ghosts get Jack drunk, and he personally knocks out the radio and snowcat so Wendy can't call or go for help. On winter va...

Vampires - in which the very cool concept of bounty-hunting vampires for the Vatican is ruined with misogyny and James Woods. There are some guys, rough guys, and they work as a very communicative and supportive team, hunting basically any and all vampires, and killing them by any means available. The best way is the harpoon gun with which they impale the vampires, and its attached to a winch on the truck, and the vampires explode in the sunlight. Its very cool. So, after a successful bust, the team says they're still looking for the Master Vampire who rules this land, and he comes and finds them, he's pissed that they fucked up his nest. He kills a bunch of the guys, and most of the prostitutes they had in their motel rooms with them. There is one hooker he bites on her sexy inner thigh, and he is kind of a sexy vampire, his name is Valek. James Woods survives, he is the leader of the pack, and he has a personal vendetta again vampires, as they killed his family when he wa...

IT (2017) - in which a New England town gets fucked up by a dancing clown, and kids save the day. Billie loses his favorite brother to a creepy clown in a sewer, and his parents are not helping him mourn about it. To be fair, the clown was very convincing, and looked like he knew how to juggle, if that's important to you. Okay, so, Pennywise the Dancing Clown starts terrorizing all the outcast and weak children he can find, and honestly, he is doing a decent job, because he has eaten a bunch of kids by the time our story picks up almost a year later. But, turns out, the kids he's targeting have each other, so they are less vulnerable than the Bettys and Georgies that he's already got.   The crew of kids acquires a girl to the group, Bev gets her period, becomes a woman, and gets the courage to stand up to her pedophile father and fight back the next time he tries to rape her. You go, girl! It seems likely that her ability to stand up to a real monster renders her able ...

Cemetery Man - in which Rupert Everett is the guardian of the worst cemetery ever, and then Death makes him his bitch. Okay, so, in this cemetery in Buffalora, Italy, has this nasty problem of the dead rising from their graves, but the town has employed Francesco Dellamorte (Rupert Everett) to keep the corpses in their holes with a revolver, a shovel, and a simpleton assistant. Its a weird movie, but the plot mostly follows this beautiful woman, who meets Dellamorte while attending the funeral of her old, dead husband, and he continues to creep on her while she mourns her lost love. Then things get sexy, and they do it on her husband's grave, but his corpse reanimates and bites her, and she dies, and Dellamorte lays her body out in the ausserie (sp?) She reanimates, and he shoots her, and there are lots of scarves and veils and stuff blowing around the whole time. Like, this is barely the beginning of the whole movie.        He continues to encounter b...

Land of the Dead - in which Night of the Living Dead gets its 6th sequel, which no one wanted. So, apparently, there is one area of the World that has been partially rebuilt, but it is governed by the 1%, because money matters again, even before society is fully rebuilt, and the jags who live in this nice tower don't have real skills, they just buy security, who seem to work for them for wages, it makes no sense. The plot is weak, and besides the point, but John Leguizamo is there to play some jerk, but he is the most likable character, because its him, so there's not really any tension, either. Um, some stuff happens, like, the zombies are getting smart, and learning how to open doors and pump gas, but not drive a car - yet. The zombies try and fail to gain the upper hand over the regular, non-dead humans, and then its over. Not great.

An American Werewolf in London - in which 2 guys go back-packing through Europe on a summer vacay, but are interrupted early on by an animal attack. Jack and David are hitchhiking through Northern England when they are stuck at a crossroads of a creepy tavern and three empty fields, in England they're called "moors." The guys are not welcome at the Locals Only establishment, so they go walking off in the dark to try to find a better bar. However, they are attacked by a werewolf, who turns back into a man after the locals shoot him. Jack is murdered, but David is merely injured and spends the next few weeks unconscious in a hospital in London. He makes friends with a sexy nurse while he is recovering, and he is visited by his friend Jack, in the form of a wolf-force ghost. Jack keeps insisting David commit suicide, but David doesn't want to. First of all, he doesn't wanna die, but also, he doesn't really believe that he's a werewolf now, too. But he kin...

The Dark Tower - in which a series of books Stephen King started in 1986 is continued in a movie, but a lot of people keep thinking it is all ten books crammed into 90 minutes. It's not. Idris Elba is an awesome gunslinger from this weird world where he is always versus Matthew McConaughey, who is a creepy weirdo called The Man in Black. There is this kid named Jacob in regular reality who accidentally finds a portal to the weird world, while he was being chased by some adults/bullies/henchmen. Jacob jumps into the portal because the other option is to be taken away by some scary adults, but then he meets Roland the Gunslinger and they decide to help each other. They find another portal, and they come to regular world and Roland falls in love with aspirin and Coke, but Man in Black has a ton of goons searching for them everywhere.  Man in Black wants Jacob to power his psychic machine that will destroy the Dark Tower, and therefore destroy the world. A chase ensues, Jacob get...