Bram Stoker's Dracula

Bram Stoker's Dracula - is not the book, as the title would suggest, but a strange and terrible movie Francis Ford Coppola made after reading Dracula, the book. First of all, Keanu Reeves is trying his best, but no one should have asked him to do an English accent. He makes Jonathan Harker into a sweet, lovable kid, and Winona Ryder's Mina is much too advanced for him. Okay, some weird stuff - Gary Oldman as Dracula appears as a strange warrior weirdo with a suit that looks like the sinew of muscles, from like 1400 or something. Then he has a double-beehive hairdo and some wicked red robes when Keanu finally shows up with some paperwork. Okay, the effects are cool. They're all in-camera and the moving shadows look neat, but it saves nothing. Yes, real effects are used to turn Dracula into a wolf monster who has sex with Lucy. In wolf form. Gross. Yuck, its so gross!
The plot continues according to what normally happens, with some weirdness added in, like Dracula trying to take Mina to a stag flick. And the dummy goes with him. I guess she's under his thrall, but he is so disgusting, its hard to process the thrall aspect of this Dracula. Its hard to process how awful this movie is. And its hard to choose one terrible picture to represent all the bizarre hot mess of trash. So, I won't.

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Death Wish

Death Wish (1974) - in which the justice system fails a man who lost his family, and he goes off the rails in finding personal justice. I mean vengeance. Charles Bronson plays Paul Kersey, a husband and father and architect, who has a nice NYC life. One day, near the beginning of the movie, Paul's wife is murdered and his daughter is raped into a catatonic state, from which she will not likely recover. Sexist. Anyways, Paul is destroyed, so his boss sends him out to New Mexico, or another lawless state, for a 3 month long project. Paul does some recovering while he is out there, and is befriended by his big money client, with a big hat and big guns. Upon arriving back in NYC, Paul is disheartened to find his daughter in terrible condition, and his son-in-law coping poorly. There have also been no arrests in his wife's murder, as the police are very busy with a crime spree related to gang violence. Paul is a really sympathetic guy, and his pain is visible, and very real. So,...

Event Horizon

Event Horizon - in which sci fi space body horror gets very fucking real, and totally gross. First, Lawrence Fishburne is a space captain named Miller, and his first mate is Joely Richardson, and she rocks. Her accent is real. A bunch of space sailors are escorting science genius Sam Neill to the wreckage of a space ship. It wasn't just a space ship, it was a massive black hole generating machine, and it recently re-emerged around Neptune, and now its just orbiting, being spooky af. To give all the details, Sam Neill, AKA Dr. Weir, is having creepy dreams about his dead wife in his cryo/gravi-sleep pod before they even get to the abandoned wreck. Oh, its called the Event Horizon. So, once the crew rolls up on Event Horizon they get nervous, because its creepy, and a few people go out to investigate the empty ship. Miller orders Dr. Weir to stay aboard their vessel, and he doesn't do a good job of listening. As soon as the crew splits up, one young guy gets sucked into the g...

Raw

Raw - in which France has the grossest veterinary school imaginable, and vegetarianism is the thinking woman's solution to the broken Greek system. Some skinny girl goes to the same veterinary school her older sister is currently attending, and her bitch sister doesn't even help her move in to the dorm she is sharing with a guy. Albeit a gay guy, but I'm assuming not all of the men in this coed dorm are gay. The first night the hazing begins, the freshmen are herded out of their rooms by threat of violence, and all of their mattresses are thrown onto the front lawn. It takes a surreal turn into gross-cinema discomfort at the rave they are all taken to and our tiny protagonist runs into her mean sister and is peer pressured into taking some club drugs. Things are just starting to get weird. Some kind of creepy things are happening, but it mostly just reminds me of the lonely horror of my college experience, except I wasn't peer pressured into eating a rabbit kidney, ...

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