John Carpenter's Vampires

Vampires - in which the very cool concept of bounty-hunting vampires for the Vatican is ruined with misogyny and James Woods. There are some guys, rough guys, and they work as a very communicative and supportive team, hunting basically any and all vampires, and killing them by any means available. The best way is the harpoon gun with which they impale the vampires, and its attached to a winch on the truck, and the vampires explode in the sunlight. Its very cool. So, after a successful bust, the team says they're still looking for the Master Vampire who rules this land, and he comes and finds them, he's pissed that they fucked up his nest. He kills a bunch of the guys, and most of the prostitutes they had in their motel rooms with them. There is one hooker he bites on her sexy inner thigh, and he is kind of a sexy vampire, his name is Valek. James Woods survives, he is the leader of the pack, and he has a personal vendetta again vampires, as they killed his family when he was little. Boo hoo. So, the remaining Baldwin keeps dragging around this one girl who got bit, and they are not above threatening to kill her, for the lulz, and she's gonna be the key to getting the Master Vampire. She is slowly turning, and it is taking forever. I just don't care. Everyone in this is a piece of shit, and James Woods wins in the end. There is this Cardnial who hooks up with James Woods and the Baldwin, but he does a poorly planned double cross, because he wants to be a vampire instead of living a celibate life. I can't blame him, I would, too.

Comments

Death Wish

Death Wish (1974) - in which the justice system fails a man who lost his family, and he goes off the rails in finding personal justice. I mean vengeance. Charles Bronson plays Paul Kersey, a husband and father and architect, who has a nice NYC life. One day, near the beginning of the movie, Paul's wife is murdered and his daughter is raped into a catatonic state, from which she will not likely recover. Sexist. Anyways, Paul is destroyed, so his boss sends him out to New Mexico, or another lawless state, for a 3 month long project. Paul does some recovering while he is out there, and is befriended by his big money client, with a big hat and big guns. Upon arriving back in NYC, Paul is disheartened to find his daughter in terrible condition, and his son-in-law coping poorly. There have also been no arrests in his wife's murder, as the police are very busy with a crime spree related to gang violence. Paul is a really sympathetic guy, and his pain is visible, and very real. So,...

Event Horizon

Event Horizon - in which sci fi space body horror gets very fucking real, and totally gross. First, Lawrence Fishburne is a space captain named Miller, and his first mate is Joely Richardson, and she rocks. Her accent is real. A bunch of space sailors are escorting science genius Sam Neill to the wreckage of a space ship. It wasn't just a space ship, it was a massive black hole generating machine, and it recently re-emerged around Neptune, and now its just orbiting, being spooky af. To give all the details, Sam Neill, AKA Dr. Weir, is having creepy dreams about his dead wife in his cryo/gravi-sleep pod before they even get to the abandoned wreck. Oh, its called the Event Horizon. So, once the crew rolls up on Event Horizon they get nervous, because its creepy, and a few people go out to investigate the empty ship. Miller orders Dr. Weir to stay aboard their vessel, and he doesn't do a good job of listening. As soon as the crew splits up, one young guy gets sucked into the g...

Raw

Raw - in which France has the grossest veterinary school imaginable, and vegetarianism is the thinking woman's solution to the broken Greek system. Some skinny girl goes to the same veterinary school her older sister is currently attending, and her bitch sister doesn't even help her move in to the dorm she is sharing with a guy. Albeit a gay guy, but I'm assuming not all of the men in this coed dorm are gay. The first night the hazing begins, the freshmen are herded out of their rooms by threat of violence, and all of their mattresses are thrown onto the front lawn. It takes a surreal turn into gross-cinema discomfort at the rave they are all taken to and our tiny protagonist runs into her mean sister and is peer pressured into taking some club drugs. Things are just starting to get weird. Some kind of creepy things are happening, but it mostly just reminds me of the lonely horror of my college experience, except I wasn't peer pressured into eating a rabbit kidney, ...

Movies I've Seen

Search This Blog