John Carpenter's Vampires

Vampires - in which the very cool concept of bounty-hunting vampires for the Vatican is ruined with misogyny and James Woods. There are some guys, rough guys, and they work as a very communicative and supportive team, hunting basically any and all vampires, and killing them by any means available. The best way is the harpoon gun with which they impale the vampires, and its attached to a winch on the truck, and the vampires explode in the sunlight. Its very cool. So, after a successful bust, the team says they're still looking for the Master Vampire who rules this land, and he comes and finds them, he's pissed that they fucked up his nest. He kills a bunch of the guys, and most of the prostitutes they had in their motel rooms with them. There is one hooker he bites on her sexy inner thigh, and he is kind of a sexy vampire, his name is Valek. James Woods survives, he is the leader of the pack, and he has a personal vendetta again vampires, as they killed his family when he was little. Boo hoo. So, the remaining Baldwin keeps dragging around this one girl who got bit, and they are not above threatening to kill her, for the lulz, and she's gonna be the key to getting the Master Vampire. She is slowly turning, and it is taking forever. I just don't care. Everyone in this is a piece of shit, and James Woods wins in the end. There is this Cardnial who hooks up with James Woods and the Baldwin, but he does a poorly planned double cross, because he wants to be a vampire instead of living a celibate life. I can't blame him, I would, too.

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Ghost Rider

Ghost Rider - in which Nic Cage plays Johnny Blaze and some rando plays Ghost Rider and Eva Mendez fails all women. To start, some teenagers play Johnny Blaze and Roxanne as a couple in love, but Johnny Blaze can't commit to her because he feels like carny trash, and his dad has cancer. So, when Johnny finds out about his dad's cancer, he gets real upset, and is therefore vulnerable when approached by a Devil, and gladly exchanges his soul for his father's health. Joke's on him, because the Devil is a jerk and as soon as the cancer is gone, Papa Blaze breaks his neck, I guess, or he is mangled by a ring of fire. Its hard to say. Sad, though. Okay, so thirty years go by before Mr. Devil cashes in his Johnny Blaze favor, but in a chilling and tragic coincidence, he does it on the ONE NIGHT Blaze has a date to reconcile with Roxanne, whom he has run into as an adult. While Blaze turns into Ghost Rider and it looks terrible, poor Roxanne (Eva Mendes) is left stood up at...

The Crush

The Crush - in which Cary Elwes makes out with a teenage girl in 1993, and it wasn't me. Alicia Silverstone is amazing and charming. She plays Adrian, a teenage girl with very rich parents, one friend, and a tenuous grasp on reality. The protagonist is supposed to be this author, played by Cary Elwes, but dude's a creep, so he's the villain to me. Reframed: this guy moves into Adrien's parents' carriage house, in the back yard, and I guess she's not used to it being rented out, because she keeps going in there. Like, she has no sense of boundaries, and it seems like no one has ever told her "no," in her whole, beautiful life. So, Wesley, from The Princess Bride, I mean, Cary Elwes, is friendly and charming to her, and obviously flattered by the attention of a young woman. Oh, she's 14. Yeah. So, she gets obsessed with him, and he encourages this friendship by talking to her, inviting her in, spending time with her, and taking her suggestions, like...

Duck Tales - Treasure of the Lost Lamp

Duck Tales: Treasure of the Lost Lamp - in which Scrooge McDuck and his 3 nephews go on a treasure hunting expedition and score big. So, Scrooge and a rival are hunting for a treasure in a cave, and he outwits them, and gets there first. But he is soon outwitted, and he loses the treasure, except a dinky lamp that they let Webby keep. There is a genie in the lamp! The children discover it, and make some dumb wishes, and its cute and fine. Until the rival, who is a shape shifting mage who previously owned the lamp, gets a hold of it again, and wishes himself the McDuck fortune. The mage wished for unlimited wished back in 42AD, so now he gets them. Well, he can't get away with it, and the ducks concoct a plan to take back the lamp. Scrooge uses his 3rd wish to wish genie into be a real boy, so he can't be a slave anymore. It works. Everyone gets ice cream.

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