Movies I've Seen

It Follows - in which a high school loser makes a movie about the girl who refused to have sex with him, just because he wanted her to, and he turns into a hero who saves her from sexual promiscuity. Whatever, some people see this as a movie about an STD, but it is a movie about the worth of women and how it is derived from their sexual choices. Some girl has sex with a guy she's been on a few dates with, but after the consensual sex, he ties her up and shows her that she is now in danger because he transmitted a sexually transmitted curse to her, and he had to tie her up because the movie needed rape imagery, but the sex had to be consensual so the nerdy guy could have sex with her later, and it wouldn't be weird. It was still weird. Okay, so, while this girl is supposed to be on the run from the sex demon, she just goes home and chills with her sister and their quiet friends, including this one nerdy guy, who has always been in love with her. So, she's the only one wh...

What We Do In The Shadows - in which New Zealand's vampires give us a glimpse into their private lives, and its hilarious. Four vampires share a house, and they have social probs and relationships just like we do. Some of them are very old and powerful, they can all mostly turn into bats, and they don't have TV. Their legacy is threatened when a new vamp joins their social circle, but tells a bunch of humans that he is a vampire, and also, he is kind of biting Deacon's style. Jermaine Clement is amazing, and so is Taika Waititi.

Deliver Us From Evil - in which the true story of a supernatural cop gets a Hollywood upgrade, and he ends up loving it. Eric Bana plays this NY borough cop who gets great hunches, and has an adrenaline-junkie partner who is always egging him on to pick up the wildest calls that come through. The plot follows the journey of Sgnt Sarchi after he picks up a crazy woman from the zoo, and some creepy guy ghosts them, and disappears into the tiger compound. Sarchi  is an excellent detective, and he follows his gut, and this leads him to another call, domestic dispute, that ends up being related to the zoo nonsense. Actually, I think the domestic call happened first, but anyways, some creepy supernatural stuff starts happening. Like, the crazy lady keeps singing The Doors, and he keeps hearing Doors music and children laughing. Anyways, he hooks up with this Jesuit Priest with amazing hair, he's trying to look after the crazy lady, as she is a member of his congregation. Sarchi is ge...

Poltergeist - in which a little girl is kidnapped by a ghost, and her family doesn't spend any time in denial about what happened. First, there is this family living in a house, getting a pool installed in the backyard, and staying up late, watching TV. The dad keeps falling asleep in the living room, and when the station goes off air, the local ghosts start talking through the static, and the little girl hears them, and makes friends. She asks them to play with her, and they invade the house, and it turns out they are super-powerful ghosts, and they have invaded the house and start messing with all the furniture and lights and people. Then, things flip out of control, and this scary looking tree breaks into the kids' room and tries to eat the little boy. It is going great for the tree, even though the mom and dad run outside and try like hell to save him. Well, they do save him, because the monster-tree was only a ruse, and the little girl, Carol-Ann get kidnapped into a p...

Mother! - in which an allegory for the Bible is also an allegory for life as an artist. In the beginning, Javier Bardem creates his wife and a nice house with a magic crystal that has fire inside of it, and no one is allowed to touch it. She works on the house, and he works on his writing, and everything is fine and in service of him until Ed Harris shows up and is weird, and coughs up a heart into a toilet. Then Michelle Pfeiffer shows up to be a condescending bitch, then her two sons show up, and one murders the other, and He won't make them leave because their pain is inspiring him, and She can't make them leave because she has no power, and no one will listen to her. Things have been weird up until this point, but then they quickly spiral out of control as the family insists on holding a wake for the dead boy at their house, and a bunch more strangers come and invade, brimming with fake gratitude. I'm not really capturing the spirit of ickiness, but it was there. The...

INSIDIOUS Chapter 2 - in which one of the best sequels ever lets a ghost be a main character. So, Patrick is stuck in the Beyond, and he sticks around to haunt his family, with love, while the mean lady ghost walks around in his body, progressively decaying. Elise's nerds miss her, and look for signs that she's still around, and they find some! Ghost Elise is hanging out to hook up  with Spirit Patrick to solve the mystery and get that mean lady out of his body. Turns out, the mean lady is actually a Norman Bates style dude, dressed up as his mother. The ghost of the fucked up mother traps an extra psychic and Rose in her old house, while the ghost of Norman Bates is running around in Patrick's body, getting ready to murder everyone. Oh, while he was alive the first time, he was a serial killer, and they find allllllllll the bodies. Wtf. So, the nerds and the new psychic come up with a crappy plan to take out Possessed Patrick, but it fails, and then everyone is in seri...

Insidious - in which Patrick Wilson is not playing Ed Warren, and I have to adjust. So, as with most haunted house movies, this begins with a nice family moving into a new home, and then some weird stuff starts happening. They let it go on longer than I might, and then their oldest son, who's like 8, falls in the creepy attic that lured him in, and he goes into a non-coma, and he can't wake up. Everyone is understandably upset. Then, some crazy shit starts happening, all in one night, Rose sees a whole ghost man in the baby's room, and Patrick hears the alarm go off and see the door flung open several times in one night. It's really bad. And then, like geniuses, in the next scene, they move! However, they are too late, and they continue to be haunted, so they call some experts, as referred by Patrick's mom. Elise is the psychic's name, and she is awesome, and she has two nerds who work for her, and they come with her to help her scout out the house. She quic...

Hercules - in which a cartoon pantheon of Greek gods squabbles and learns a lesson about humanity. Zeus has a son, and he gets poisoned with some mortality potion by Hades' goons, but he doesn't drink alllllll of it, so he's only mostly human. It's hard to separate the mythology from the movie. So, Hercules goes to live with the humans, cast out of Olympus. So, Hercules is a scrawny kid who means well, but he doesn't get to the hero stuff until he gets a Danny Devito sidekick to help train him. Once he gets all buff and heroic, Hades gets word that Herc is still alive, and he sends a hot lady to sabotage him.  Her name is Meg, and she is working for Hades because of the guy she loved, or whatever. Hercules does some good deeds, and gets his god status back, everybody sings.

Fright Night - in which a teenage boy is the only one who has the good sense to identify and fear the new vampire in town, and his friends make fun of him. So, Charlie has this nice girlfriend named Amy, and they are hanging out when Charlie glances out the window and sees his new, handsome neighbor biting the beautiful prostitute he had invited over. He doesn't really freak out until the next day, when he see's the vampire's goul-servant taking out the body the next day. Charlie watches a lot of horror movies, so he's got some info, but his friend, Evil Ed, has the real down low, so he goes to him for advice. Evil Ed makes fun of Charlie, but gives him some solid info. However, by the time Charlie gets home - his mom has invited the VAMPIRE, Jerry, inside. Jerry threatens Charlie and his mom, and Charlie decides to get real, and he hunts down his local horror movie host, Peter Vincent, and tries to enlist his help. Peter Vincent does not believe Charlie, of course,...

Moana - in which the tale of a Chosen One gets everything right, with songs! Moana is a little girl who loves the Pacific Ocean, in a period of time when gods and people still had regular interactions. She just wants to explore the world, but it is dangerous, and her father has plans for her to be a great leader for her people. And so, Moana does a lot of learning and seems like she could be ready to really lead the island, but things start to go sour, and her solution is to venture into the dangerous ocean, beyond the reef. This turns out to endanger some of her citizens, but she doesn't give up on the idea of leaving the island. Her nice grandmother sings to her that she should follow her heart, and when the Ocean shows Moana that her people have some BIG ships in storage, but no one talks about it, Moana confronts her Grandmother about it. Grandma tells her that she must venture out and find the trickster god Maui, and force him to replace the heart of the mother spi...

Tales of Halloween - in which a long series of short and scary stories are told in the same cinematic style. The best one is the story about the hipsters giving out candy while drinking, but they get attacked by a bunch of kids. Like, murdered. Turns out, they were serial killing neighborhood children, and its revenge! There's another one where the kids live in some Mad Max society. And another one where some demon frames a child for a TON of crime and murder. They're all pretty good, though.

The Horror of Dracula - in which Christopher Lee is mother fucking DRACULA, but Peter Cushing defeats him anyway. So, it begins, as it should, with Jonathan Harker visiting Castle Dracula looking like a nerd, and Dracula greets him creepily, then locks him in a room for the evening. Harker is there as a librarian, and Dracula assures him he will get to look at all the books tomorrow. But, while Drax is sleeping, Harker creeps him and tries to stake him! Twist! He does not succeed, however, and Dracula converts him and flies to London to take his woman. Back in the city, Harker's girlfriend is Lucy, and she lives with her brother Arthur and his wife , Mina. Yeah, I know. Its actually better this way. So, Dracula starts his long-term plan to bring Lucy back to his lair, but Van Helsing is snooping around, looking for his friend, Harker. Jonathan had been keeping him in the loop, vampire-wise, so Van Helsing is on Dracula's trail. He enlists the help of Arthur, and they trek t...

The Amityville Horror - in which a true life horror story gets actually nicer when made into a Hollywood movie. Before the movie starts, George Lutz married a nice Margot Kidder, named Kathy, and she already had a bunch of kids, but they seem to get along okay. Then, at the beginning of the movie, this young guy goes crazy and shoots his entire family in their beds, spookily, none of them are awakened or disturbed by the gunshots (ghosts!) and the scene is over. Back to the Lutzes... They move into a new, huge house, and the realtor has disclosed the gruesome history of the house to the Lutzes, we saw it, but they didn't care, and they moved their children into an affordable home, tainted with murder! And evil. So, this is the haunting movie of all hauntings. And I'll try not to mix it up with the Conjuring. So, George Lutz is always chilly, and things the solution is more firewood. The daughter makes a ghost friend, and no one thinks anything of it. While the family is out...

Jeepers Creepers - in which Justin Long tries to be a good person, but he chose the wrong country road to do it on. Justin and his sister are driving along the country roads of central Florida, going home to see their parents when they encounter a hooop-dee from 1925 who appears to be the most aggressive driver ever. He passes them, but a few minutes later they pass the evil truck on the side of the road, where they clearly see the driver carrying a body wrapped in a bloody sheet, and tossing it down some weird tube. Like a normal person, the sister wants to go and get the police, but like a hero, Justin wants to go look down the tube and see if the bloody sheet still has a pulse. Truthfully, when they go to the pipe, they do hear someone alive at the bottom of it, which Justin confirms by accidentally sliding down the horror pipe and finding a dying guy who tells him to run.    Amazingly, I did not turn the movie off, and then in the next scene, Justin Long finds an es...

Zombieland - in which four survivors learn some lessons about love and family from each other, and Bill Murray. First, there are a bunch of rules to learn about the new world, and some nerd, played by Michael Cera, tells us about them. This is where the majority of zombie footage happens, as the movie takes place in low-zombie zones and on the road. Anyways, he hooks up with Woody Harrelson, and they make some progress across the country until they are tricked out of their weapons and vehicle by two girls. Twice. Then, they make friends with the girls because one of them is hot, and the girls think they can trust the guys, because they can. These both turn out to be good decisions. They get to LA, and crash at Casa de Murray for a few nights, but Bill Murray pretends to be a zombie inside the house, like an idiot, and gets shot. So, then the girls dip out, and they are going to a stupid amusement park, and the guys go after them because its the right thing to do, and they love them...

Wicker Man - in which the dangers of paganism are portrayed as having group sex, owning lots of bunnies, and not dying a virgin. Praise Jesus! So, some Scottish policeman got a personal letter asking him to come to this island, Summer Isle, even though it is a private island and they don't like visitors. The copper doesn't technically have a warrant, or the British equivalent of one, but he's real pushy, and he flew himself there, so they let him onto the island. Anyway, the letter said some young girl had gone missing, and it included a photo of the girl, and the cop starts interrogating everyone he meets about her. The residents are real cagey and vague, raising his suspicions further, but a few people along the way corroborate his theories, also he steals some records that prove the girl exists. The cop keeps getting upset by the pagan things he is witnessing, like daytime nudity rituals (all adults) or teaching children about phallic symbolism and the existence of...