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Wicker Man



Wicker Man - in which the dangers of paganism are portrayed as having group sex, owning lots of bunnies, and not dying a virgin. Praise Jesus! So, some Scottish policeman got a personal letter asking him to come to this island, Summer Isle, even though it is a private island and they don't like visitors. The copper doesn't technically have a warrant, or the British equivalent of one, but he's real pushy, and he flew himself there, so they let him onto the island. Anyway, the letter said some young girl had gone missing, and it included a photo of the girl, and the cop starts interrogating everyone he meets about her. The residents are real cagey and vague, raising his suspicions further, but a few people along the way corroborate his theories, also he steals some records that prove the girl exists. The cop keeps getting upset by the pagan things he is witnessing, like daytime nudity rituals (all adults) or teaching children about phallic symbolism and the existence of sex. This dude cares so much about Jesus and Christianity that he is a 40 year old virgin, and he turns down sex with this hot bar wench. So, the Lord of Summer Isle, Lord Summerisle, is Christopher Lee, and he is a kind and compassionate patriarch, who really feels responsible for his people. Anyway, the whole thing was a trap, and they were just luring the copper in to be a May Day sacrifice, and the little girl is alive. Turns out, this year they need to sacrifice a human because the last harvest was so bad. So, he gets sacrificed with a bunch of animals, at the end of this epic parade filled with creepy-ass costumes. The worst part is we never find out if it worked and their crops returned, because the movie ends when the cop dies. Oh, well.

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