Skip to main content

INSIDIOUS



Insidious - in which Patrick Wilson is not playing Ed Warren, and I have to adjust. So, as with most haunted house movies, this begins with a nice family moving into a new home, and then some weird stuff starts happening. They let it go on longer than I might, and then their oldest son, who's like 8, falls in the creepy attic that lured him in, and he goes into a non-coma, and he can't wake up. Everyone is understandably upset. Then, some crazy shit starts happening, all in one night, Rose sees a whole ghost man in the baby's room, and Patrick hears the alarm go off and see the door flung open several times in one night. It's really bad. And then, like geniuses, in the next scene, they move! However, they are too late, and they continue to be haunted, so they call some experts, as referred by Patrick's mom. Elise is the psychic's name, and she is awesome, and she has two nerds who work for her, and they come with her to help her scout out the house. She quickly diagnoses the boy, Dalton, as being in a spiritual coma, as in, he was astral projecting, and got lost, maybe in a maze someone trapped him in, and he couldn't get back to his body. Turns out, some crazy red-faced tailor puppet-master demon is keeping his locked up, but we don't know that until they find him. Elise reveals that, as a boy Patrick had the same ability, and some mean lady ghost kept haunting him, trying to hop in while he was out-of-body, so they shut down his ability - but now he has to do it again! To save his son! And he does, what a relief. BUT, while Dalton is fine, Patrick does not come back normal, and he kills nice Elise, because he is really that mean lady ghost! End of movie.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The Crush

The Crush - in which Cary Elwes makes out with a teenage girl in 1993, and it wasn't me. Alicia Silverstone is amazing and charming. She plays Adrian, a teenage girl with very rich parents, one friend, and a tenuous grasp on reality. The protagonist is supposed to be this author, played by Cary Elwes, but dude's a creep, so he's the villain to me. Reframed: this guy moves into Adrien's parents'  carriage house, in the back yard, and I guess she's not used to it being rented out, because she keeps going in there. Like, she has no sense of boundaries, and it seems like no one has ever told her "no," in her whole, beautiful life. So, Wesley, from The Princess Bride, I mean, Cary Elwes, is friendly and charming to her, and obviously flattered by the attention of a young woman. Oh, she's 14. Yeah. So, she gets obsessed with him, and he encourages this friendship by talking to her, inviting her in, spending time with her, and taking her suggestions, like...

Ghost Rider

Ghost Rider - in which Nic Cage plays Johnny Blaze and some rando plays Ghost Rider and Eva Mendez fails all women. To start, some teenagers play Johnny Blaze and Roxanne as a couple in love, but Johnny Blaze can't commit to her because he feels like carny trash, and his dad has cancer. So, when Johnny finds out about his dad's cancer, he gets real upset, and is therefore vulnerable when approached by a Devil, and gladly exchanges his soul for his father's health. Joke's on him, because the Devil is a jerk and as soon as the cancer is gone, Papa Blaze breaks his neck, I guess, or he is mangled by a ring of fire. Its hard to say. Sad, though. Okay, so thirty years go by before Mr. Devil cashes in his Johnny Blaze favor, but in a chilling and tragic coincidence, he does it on the ONE NIGHT Blaze has a date to reconcile with Roxanne, whom he has run into as an adult. While Blaze turns into Ghost Rider and it looks terrible, poor Roxanne (Eva Mendes) is left stood up at...

Event Horizon

Event Horizon - in which sci fi space body horror gets very fucking real, and totally gross. First, Lawrence Fishburne is a space captain named Miller, and his first mate is Joely Richardson, and she rocks. Her accent is real. A bunch of space sailors are escorting science genius Sam Neill to the wreckage of a space ship. It wasn't just a space ship, it was a massive black hole generating machine, and it recently re-emerged around Neptune, and now its just orbiting, being spooky af. To give all the details, Sam Neill, AKA Dr. Weir, is having creepy dreams about his dead wife in his cryo/gravi-sleep pod before they even get to the abandoned wreck. Oh, its called the Event Horizon. So, once the crew rolls up on Event Horizon they get nervous, because its creepy, and a few people go out to investigate the empty ship. Miller orders Dr. Weir to stay aboard their vessel, and he doesn't do a good job of listening. As soon as the crew splits up, one young guy gets sucked into the g...