Skip to main content

Poltergeist



Poltergeist - in which a little girl is kidnapped by a ghost, and her family doesn't spend any time in denial about what happened. First, there is this family living in a house, getting a pool installed in the backyard, and staying up late, watching TV. The dad keeps falling asleep in the living room, and when the station goes off air, the local ghosts start talking through the static, and the little girl hears them, and makes friends. She asks them to play with her, and they invade the house, and it turns out they are super-powerful ghosts, and they have invaded the house and start messing with all the furniture and lights and people. Then, things flip out of control, and this scary looking tree breaks into the kids' room and tries to eat the little boy. It is going great for the tree, even though the mom and dad run outside and try like hell to save him. Well, they do save him, because the monster-tree was only a ruse, and the little girl, Carol-Ann get kidnapped into a portal in the closet. Like, kidnapped from the normal plane of existence, and her family can only hear her through the static channel on the TV, and only sometimes. So, the family contacts some professionals, who come and see the severity of the situation, and feel how horrible everything in the house is. The backup they call in is Zelda Rubinstein, and she is there to kick some spiritual ass. What's awesome is that the mom and dad are totally on board for everything, and they don't spend 1/4 of the movie arguing about what's real or not. So, the poltergeist thing has an element of urgency to it, because they could leave at any time, and then they're never getting Carol-Ann back. So, Zelda gets some rope and some tennis balls and everyone works together, and the mom goes into the closet portal and gets her daughter and they get out safely. It is almost over, but a few nights later, the house goes berserk again, and all of these coffins and skeletons appear in the pool hole, because their neighborhood used to be a cemetery! It is very expensive to relocate an entire cemetery, it turns out. They make it out alive, with the dog, and they never watch TV again.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Crush

The Crush - in which Cary Elwes makes out with a teenage girl in 1993, and it wasn't me. Alicia Silverstone is amazing and charming. She plays Adrian, a teenage girl with very rich parents, one friend, and a tenuous grasp on reality. The protagonist is supposed to be this author, played by Cary Elwes, but dude's a creep, so he's the villain to me. Reframed: this guy moves into Adrien's parents'  carriage house, in the back yard, and I guess she's not used to it being rented out, because she keeps going in there. Like, she has no sense of boundaries, and it seems like no one has ever told her "no," in her whole, beautiful life. So, Wesley, from The Princess Bride, I mean, Cary Elwes, is friendly and charming to her, and obviously flattered by the attention of a young woman. Oh, she's 14. Yeah. So, she gets obsessed with him, and he encourages this friendship by talking to her, inviting her in, spending time with her, and taking her suggestions, like...
Post a Comment
Read more

Event Horizon

Event Horizon - in which sci fi space body horror gets very fucking real, and totally gross. First, Lawrence Fishburne is a space captain named Miller, and his first mate is Joely Richardson, and she rocks. Her accent is real. A bunch of space sailors are escorting science genius Sam Neill to the wreckage of a space ship. It wasn't just a space ship, it was a massive black hole generating machine, and it recently re-emerged around Neptune, and now its just orbiting, being spooky af. To give all the details, Sam Neill, AKA Dr. Weir, is having creepy dreams about his dead wife in his cryo/gravi-sleep pod before they even get to the abandoned wreck. Oh, its called the Event Horizon. So, once the crew rolls up on Event Horizon they get nervous, because its creepy, and a few people go out to investigate the empty ship. Miller orders Dr. Weir to stay aboard their vessel, and he doesn't do a good job of listening. As soon as the crew splits up, one young guy gets sucked into the g...
1 comment
Read more

Ghost Rider

Ghost Rider - in which Nic Cage plays Johnny Blaze and some rando plays Ghost Rider and Eva Mendez fails all women. To start, some teenagers play Johnny Blaze and Roxanne as a couple in love, but Johnny Blaze can't commit to her because he feels like carny trash, and his dad has cancer. So, when Johnny finds out about his dad's cancer, he gets real upset, and is therefore vulnerable when approached by a Devil, and gladly exchanges his soul for his father's health. Joke's on him, because the Devil is a jerk and as soon as the cancer is gone, Papa Blaze breaks his neck, I guess, or he is mangled by a ring of fire. Its hard to say. Sad, though. Okay, so thirty years go by before Mr. Devil cashes in his Johnny Blaze favor, but in a chilling and tragic coincidence, he does it on the ONE NIGHT Blaze has a date to reconcile with Roxanne, whom he has run into as an adult. While Blaze turns into Ghost Rider and it looks terrible, poor Roxanne (Eva Mendes) is left stood up at...
Post a Comment
Read more