The Horror of Dracula

The Horror of Dracula - in which Christopher Lee is mother fucking DRACULA, but Peter Cushing defeats him anyway. So, it begins, as it should, with Jonathan Harker visiting Castle Dracula looking like a nerd, and Dracula greets him creepily, then locks him in a room for the evening. Harker is there as a librarian, and Dracula assures him he will get to look at all the books tomorrow. But, while Drax is sleeping, Harker creeps him and tries to stake him! Twist! He does not succeed, however, and Dracula converts him and flies to London to take his woman. Back in the city, Harker's girlfriend is Lucy, and she lives with her brother Arthur and his wife, Mina. Yeah, I know. Its actually better this way. So, Dracula starts his long-term plan to bring Lucy back to his lair, but Van Helsing is snooping around, looking for his friend, Harker. Jonathan had been keeping him in the loop, vampire-wise, so Van Helsing is on Dracula's trail. He enlists the help of Arthur, and they trek to Castle Dracula, they have to kill their friend who is a vampire now, but then Van Helsing totally kills Dracula, but only because the script says so. Christopher Lee rules. He's probably a god by now.

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Death Wish

Death Wish (1974) - in which the justice system fails a man who lost his family, and he goes off the rails in finding personal justice. I mean vengeance. Charles Bronson plays Paul Kersey, a husband and father and architect, who has a nice NYC life. One day, near the beginning of the movie, Paul's wife is murdered and his daughter is raped into a catatonic state, from which she will not likely recover. Sexist. Anyways, Paul is destroyed, so his boss sends him out to New Mexico, or another lawless state, for a 3 month long project. Paul does some recovering while he is out there, and is befriended by his big money client, with a big hat and big guns. Upon arriving back in NYC, Paul is disheartened to find his daughter in terrible condition, and his son-in-law coping poorly. There have also been no arrests in his wife's murder, as the police are very busy with a crime spree related to gang violence. Paul is a really sympathetic guy, and his pain is visible, and very real. So,...

Deadpool 2

Deadpool 2 - in which Deadpool cries like a bitch, and I do not. First of all, Deadpool is working, and then he goes home to celebrate an anniversary with his girlfriend, who tells him they can try to have a baby now. Also, he gives her a plot device for a gift, and she gives him her removed IUD. There is no sex scene, and then the two of them are just chilling, and some guy Deadpool neglected to murder comes and kills his girlfriend. Deadpool does not take it well, and even though he like, immediately got revenge on the guy who shot her. Ultimately, he feels both responsible and sad, so he tries to kill himself. It doesn't take. His friend, Colossus, shows up and takes DP to be a part of a B team of X-men, as an official trainee. They go to a showdown between a teen named Russel (Julian Dennison) and some jerks who run the orphanage he lives in. Russel wants to kill the guys who have been abusing him, and Deadpool kind of talks him down, until The kid tells him he was abused b...

Raw

Raw - in which France has the grossest veterinary school imaginable, and vegetarianism is the thinking woman's solution to the broken Greek system. Some skinny girl goes to the same veterinary school her older sister is currently attending, and her bitch sister doesn't even help her move in to the dorm she is sharing with a guy. Albeit a gay guy, but I'm assuming not all of the men in this coed dorm are gay. The first night the hazing begins, the freshmen are herded out of their rooms by threat of violence, and all of their mattresses are thrown onto the front lawn. It takes a surreal turn into gross-cinema discomfort at the rave they are all taken to and our tiny protagonist runs into her mean sister and is peer pressured into taking some club drugs. Things are just starting to get weird. Some kind of creepy things are happening, but it mostly just reminds me of the lonely horror of my college experience, except I wasn't peer pressured into eating a rabbit kidney, ...

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