Skip to main content

Bad Batch



Bad Batch - which I watched while white-knuckling through a manic episode, and my super serious mood was perfectly reflected in a desert wasteland of cannibals and amputees. So, the only thing we see is the ejected peoples who didn't qualify to be apart of whatever might pass for a cohesive society, and they are all tattooed "Bad Batch" with a number. You can tell how long someone has been outside the walls by how high their number is. So, Arlen is our blonde, human protagonist, and she is trying to make a run for it after being pushed out, but the cannibals with golf carts get her, and keep her chained up while cutting off her arm and leg, which they eat. Which we see. Jason Momoa is the head of the cannibals, it is a weird body builder society who listens to Ace of Base tapes, like, all the time. Arlen escapes! And she makes it to this other society, some weird, mute, hermit named Jim Carrey shows her the way. I think he pushes her in his shopping cart, wearing homemade sunglasses, she is missing a leg, so it was hard to get away on the skateboard she stole.
    So, at this new camp, she gets a prosthesis and a shack to live in, and people are generally nice. The plot sort of centers around, Arlen goes outside the camp walls with her gun, and she meets one of the cannibals who ate her leg, out scavenging with Jason Momoa's daughter. Arlen shoots the cannibal bitch, and lets the little girl follow her back to her camp. She gives her a rabbit and tells her to be cool. But, there is this huge party at the compound, Arlen accidentally takes the little girl to, and then she drops acid and forgets about the kid and wonders outside the compound walls. She wanders far off, and runs into Jason Momoa, and he doesn't eat her, they kinda flirt, she's out of her mind, and in the morning, she says she doesn't know the girl, and he pretends to sell her to this other cannibal who shows up on a scooter, but he just kills him and they run off together. Arlen gets away from him, she sort of leaves him for dead, he got shot, but he's probably not gonna die because he appears to be part Hulk.
    At the compound, Keanu Reeves is The Dream, he is the leader of the society, and of course he has a harem of wives in white t-shirts with catchy slogans. He found the little girl, and has taken custody of her. He doesn't seem like a bad guy, like all the reviews say he is. He's providing safety and shelter, he's a pragmatist, and he's not that bad. Like, realistically, natural leaders like that are gonna be who runs the post-apocalypse. It's whatever. But, to get to the little girl, Arlen has to pretend she wants to join harem. She is not super convincing, but he's not looking for true love, so he lets her into the fold. Arlen has hidden a gun in her fake leg! She takes a pregnant wife hostage, and gets the little girl and a golf cart, and gets out. She meets up with Jason Momoa, who didn't know he would now be responsible for two people, but I guess he's gonna stop being a cannibal, so they can live happily ever after in the desert of hell.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The Crush

The Crush - in which Cary Elwes makes out with a teenage girl in 1993, and it wasn't me. Alicia Silverstone is amazing and charming. She plays Adrian, a teenage girl with very rich parents, one friend, and a tenuous grasp on reality. The protagonist is supposed to be this author, played by Cary Elwes, but dude's a creep, so he's the villain to me. Reframed: this guy moves into Adrien's parents'  carriage house, in the back yard, and I guess she's not used to it being rented out, because she keeps going in there. Like, she has no sense of boundaries, and it seems like no one has ever told her "no," in her whole, beautiful life. So, Wesley, from The Princess Bride, I mean, Cary Elwes, is friendly and charming to her, and obviously flattered by the attention of a young woman. Oh, she's 14. Yeah. So, she gets obsessed with him, and he encourages this friendship by talking to her, inviting her in, spending time with her, and taking her suggestions, like...

Ghost Rider

Ghost Rider - in which Nic Cage plays Johnny Blaze and some rando plays Ghost Rider and Eva Mendez fails all women. To start, some teenagers play Johnny Blaze and Roxanne as a couple in love, but Johnny Blaze can't commit to her because he feels like carny trash, and his dad has cancer. So, when Johnny finds out about his dad's cancer, he gets real upset, and is therefore vulnerable when approached by a Devil, and gladly exchanges his soul for his father's health. Joke's on him, because the Devil is a jerk and as soon as the cancer is gone, Papa Blaze breaks his neck, I guess, or he is mangled by a ring of fire. Its hard to say. Sad, though. Okay, so thirty years go by before Mr. Devil cashes in his Johnny Blaze favor, but in a chilling and tragic coincidence, he does it on the ONE NIGHT Blaze has a date to reconcile with Roxanne, whom he has run into as an adult. While Blaze turns into Ghost Rider and it looks terrible, poor Roxanne (Eva Mendes) is left stood up at...

Event Horizon

Event Horizon - in which sci fi space body horror gets very fucking real, and totally gross. First, Lawrence Fishburne is a space captain named Miller, and his first mate is Joely Richardson, and she rocks. Her accent is real. A bunch of space sailors are escorting science genius Sam Neill to the wreckage of a space ship. It wasn't just a space ship, it was a massive black hole generating machine, and it recently re-emerged around Neptune, and now its just orbiting, being spooky af. To give all the details, Sam Neill, AKA Dr. Weir, is having creepy dreams about his dead wife in his cryo/gravi-sleep pod before they even get to the abandoned wreck. Oh, its called the Event Horizon. So, once the crew rolls up on Event Horizon they get nervous, because its creepy, and a few people go out to investigate the empty ship. Miller orders Dr. Weir to stay aboard their vessel, and he doesn't do a good job of listening. As soon as the crew splits up, one young guy gets sucked into the g...