Movies I've Seen

Bad Batch - which I watched while white-knuckling through a manic episode, and my super serious mood was perfectly reflected in a desert wasteland of cannibals and amputees. So, the only thing we see is the ejected peoples who didn't qualify to be apart of whatever might pass for a cohesive society, and they are all tattooed "Bad Batch" with a number. You can tell how long someone has been outside the walls by how high their number is. So, Arlen is our blonde, human protagonist, and she is trying to make a run for it after being pushed out, but the cannibals with golf carts get her, and keep her chained up while cutting off her arm and leg, which they eat. Which we see. Jason Momoa is the head of the cannibals, it is a weird body builder society who listens to Ace of Base tapes, like, all the time. Arlen escapes! And she makes it to this other society, some weird, mute, hermit named Jim Carrey shows her the way. I think he pushes her in his shopping cart, wearing home...

In Cold Blood - in which two felons aim to pull off a big, one time heist in Kansas, but it doesn't go great, and things devolve from there. The movie is based on the book, which is based on the true crime, and Truman Capote wrote this as, like, the definitive true crime novel. And the filmmakers went to great creepy lengths to maintain accuracy, and it works. So, Perry and Dick are two guys who are getting together after doing some time in the same jail, to open a safe at a farm they heard about whilst they were locked up, but the safe was a myth. Perry was ready to split when they found out they were only gonna walk with $43, but Dick went in prepared to shoot the entire family, and they did. The rest of the movie is about their attempted escape, they even made it to Mexico, but Perry has too many traumatic flashbacks to his alcoholic mother, who may have been a prostitute at times, and also seeing her beaten by his father. Perry tried to live with his dad, but his father p...

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets - in which Major Valerian is a young hot shot and has a great partner, Lauraline, that he does space missions with. So, this mission for the movie is to retrieve a small animal/energy-generator who is both adorable and valuable. The movie opens on a beautiful beach planet, and some peaceful, skinny aliens who have a pearl economy and seem to be very happy. Oh, no! Their planet is attacked, and only a few survive in a bomb-shelter, and their princess is trapped outside, she is killed, and sends out an energy burst as like a magical death rattle, and we see it hit Valerian. He takes the info-packed dream it causes to heart, and when he recognizes the little guy they pick up on their mission, it is from his dream. So, the guy who sent them on the mission is suspicious, so Lauraline keeps the little guy on her when they all go to some council meeting. The skinny beach aliens crash the council meeting and kidnap the suspicious General Clive Ow...

To The Bone - in which a young woman struggles with an eating disorder and a pain-in-the-ass family situation, kinda of simultaneously and separately. There is a disclaimer at the beginning, like a trigger warning, and it reveals that a lot of the film crew had personal eating disorder experience, and it really shows throughout. So, this chick named Ellen is doing a bunch of classic anorexia behaviors, like not eating, smoking and drinking, and secretly working out. Also, she keeps getting kicked out of ED treatment centers because she is kind of a dick. So, the movie centers around her trying to negotiate her absent father, cares too much step-mother, her hippie mom who gave up on her, and her mom's wife, technically other step-mom, I think, who is kind of a bitch. She also has an awesome (step) sister, who is younger, and tries to look up to Ellen, but its hard because she's such a fuck up.     So, they find a sought-after doctor in LA, where they live, and its K...

Atomic Blonde - in which all of my hopes and wet dreams for a female led, stunt heavy, action-packed, compelling movie were slowly bled out over the course of 2 hours. Okay, so, there is a muddled plot about spies, and MI6 sends Charlize Theron into 1989 Berlin, Germany, to retrieve a stolen noc list, bring home her former lover's body, and maybe identify a double agent, if there's time. James McAvoy is her contact in Berlin, and he's always going from West to East Berlin in some underground tunnels. He does not seem real trustworthy. Also, Charlize is made by the KGB the moment she steps off the plane in Berlin, and she doesn't really do anything about it, besides lose the tail. Which I'm sure they picked right back up a few minutes later. There's always some dumb 80's song playing that has nothing to do with what is going on in the scene. So, truthfully, the plot doesn't really get a lot done, she just tries to get information, but she can't ...

John Wick - in which Keanu Reeves is an amazing human being and even more of a badass than we all thought he was. Okay, so John Wick used to be an assassin, but he buys his way out of this intense subculture so he can live happily with his adorable wife. The worst thing happens, and she gets really sick, and she can't recover, and she dies. It is so sad. But, she knew she was going to leave John, and didn't want him to be alone, so she arranged for a very adorable puppy named Daisy to be delivered to him after her funeral. It was a good plan, because John loves the puppy and he was gonna be alone otherwise. So, John is out running errands with Daisy in his 1969 Mustang, and some Russian punk at the gas station is a jerk to him, and tries to buy his car from him. John loves his car, and does NOT need the money, so he says the car isn't for sale, and politely goes on his way. Russian punk isn't used to hearing 'no,' so, like a psycho, he follows John Wick home...

Frailty - in which Bill Paxton has two adorable sons, whom he tries to mold into monster fighters, or serial killers, depending on your position. So, Bill Paxton is a nice dad with two sons and no wife, and they have a nice house behind the town's rose garden. So, the trouble starts when Bill Paxton gets a clear message from God that he is being enlisted to slay demons, and his sons can help, too, the only catch is that the demons are inhabiting human bodies, and therefore it looks like he is murdering humans, but he is sure he is slaying demons. God gave him a magical pipe, a huge axe and some gloves as tools, and said when Paxton touches the bodies, their demon faces will be revealed. The oldest son has some understandable problems with digging graves in the aforementioned rose garden, but Paxton cannot abide his son's skepticism, and makes him dig what turns out to be a murder dungeon, in hopes of convincing him to pray. The poor kid cannot see these demons, and just s...

Baby Driver - in which a young punk with great taste in music tries to get out of the criminal racket, and meets a nice girl to do it for. Baby is a getaway driver to Kevin Spacey's rotating crew, and he works with the hottest version of Jon Hamm I have ever seen. Baby is a good guy, and is working off a debt, and he means to quit when his debt to Spacey is repaid. He has a nice, deaf foster father he still lives with, and he is always listening to music to combat his trauma-induced tinnitus. He is also always recording stuff and he makes dope mixes that sound like J Dilla, DeeJay.     So, the conflict is that Spacey wants Baby to keep working for him, so after Baby meets a nice waitress to fall in love with, Spacey can blackmail him into driving. Baby doesn't want to drive with Jaime Foxx because he's a crazy fuck, but he has to. Jon Hamm is very nice to Baby, him and his girlfriend defend Baby's quiet manner. Okay, there are a bunch of car chases that are super c...

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - i n which Indiana Jones has a short, Asian sidekick who helps him save the children of a small Indian village. First of all, Indiana has his sidekick, Short Round, waiting outside in his getaway car, while he is inside Club Obiwan (we get it, Lucas) trying to get a rare diamond from some Chinese bad guys, and he accidentally takes a blonde singer hostage, but then she kind of helps him get the antidote for the poison, she's really very nice. Willie, is her name. Okay, so they escape onto a plane and it crashes in the middle of no where in India, and the first town the trio comes to is under a curse because some guy stole their magic stone and subsequently, all their children. The old village magic man asks them to go get the kids from the temple. Indiana, Willie and Short Round have no other way to get to Delhi, so they go to the local Mah Ha rajah's palace and temple compound to investigate the disappearance of the chil...

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen - in which a beloved comic is scrubbed of all likeability, and the only remaining portions of the framework are name recognition and a Victorian time period in which to set a story. Mina Murray is not exactly a survivor of Dracula,she's a stupid vampire now (wow, now she's strong enough to add value to a team of men!) and Sean Connery does very little acting to convince me that he is Alan Quartermain. Captain Nemo has a stupid looking submarine ship, and the invisible Man is not a rapist. His makeup is good. Decent, anyways.  A plot attacks them, and they are assembled like the period clothes wearing Avengers, they even have a Hulk, who is Mr. Hyde and Dr. Jekell. Hyde is easily the best part of the movie, I think he contributes to the plot by being a time bomb that goes off and pads things out. Oh, wait, Dorian Grey is there and he's pretending to not be evil, so he hires the LxG, I guess, but then he's evil , so his own plot will ...

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark - in which an ethically challenged archeologist struggles to find an item of great power before the Nazis do. This is the one where he tries to take the golden idol and gets chased by a large boulder. He's fine, but there's a snake in his getaway plane - he'll deal. So, Indiana Jones is a jungle archeologist, but also a classroom professor, and he really wanted to go on the hunt for the lost Ark of the Covenant, and he heard the Nazis were also looking for it, and they they had hired his archeo-nemisis to find it, so it seems like they had a good chance. Anyway, he knows where the key to the treasure map is, so he goes to get it from his ex-girlfriend in Nepal. She is not happy to see him, but then when the Nazis show up and burn down her bar looking for the thing, she is glad he is there. They leave together, with the puzzle piece. The whole thing is kinda complicated, like you need to bring this ornament to this undergro...

Fury Road - in which the apocalypse has gone terribly, and poor Mad Max has been alone in the desert so long, he has forgotten how to talk. First, he grumbles out some exposition, so we know how awful things have been for him, but he still has the Interceptor.  Not for long. Then, Max is overtaken by a gang of powder-skinned weirdos in savage vehicles that look like they used to be cars. They take him to a large mesa, he tries to escape, but he is recaptured and tattooed and caged. There is a strange and icky society that lives inside the mesas. And some deformed weirdos who live on the ground level of this city, The Citadel. So, Furiosa is an Imperator, which maybe what they call generals in Australia, with one mechanical arm, and she is leading a caravan of trucks to Gas Town to get gas, but she goes off the rails and it turns out she had a secret plan to escape from Immorten Joe the whole time, and she took his prized breeding women. Those poor girls. Anyway, on the road, th...

Salem's Lot - in which a large house in New England is creepy, and it freaks out this blonde guy so much, he makes a big deal about it to everyone. Omg, so, this whole, tiny town is creepy, and this one house is having a vampire delivered to it in the second hour of the movie, so, there's that to look forward to. Oh, good. I guess the first hour consists of scenes where people get acquainted cheating on their spouses. The protaganist, blonde author guy, keeps whining about how the house at the top of the hill is creepy. We know. That's where the vampire is being delivered. Also, there is a high school student who is also an amateur magician, but he is also trying to kill the vampire, once he gets there. There is a girl who is always following the author around, but she doesn't do much. Lives with her parents. Follows kids around, walks into evil houses without weapons.     So, cool ass looking vampire shows up and starts to eat the whole town, turning adults and ch...

Spider-Man: Homecoming - in which Peter Parker is not just trying to get by, but is trying to join the Avengers, and is considering dropping out of high school to do it. So, the new villain is the Vulture, who is an arms dealer, whom we also see as a working-class NY schmoe who got screwed out of some big government projects, but has a family he cares very much about, because he will not shut up about them. Okay, but Spider-Man finds out that street thugs are getting their hands on alien-tech, and that's how he gets on Vulture's radar. Before that, he is crushing on a cute, smart girl at school and has fellow nerdy friend who is good with computers. I guess he goes to a magnet school, because this super smarty pants girl is also super popular, and she even invites Peter to her super awesome party. So, he goes with his friend, but he can't stay because there is crime happening! So, that's where he meets Vulture's guys, and gets away with a piece of their arse...

   The Thing - in which a bunch of scientists, trapped in Antarctica, are infiltrated by an alien who does a combination of taking over bodies or recreating them with increasing accuracy. So, at first the guys don't know anything is wrong, but they take in a stray dog the Norwegians were trying to shoot from a helicopter, and check out the Swedish camp, which I assume is the only camp in town. The Swedish camp is fucked up and burnt to shit, and in their garage they have a huge block of partially melted ice. Maybe Captain America? Anyway, back at the compound, Kurt Russell and his beard are RJ MacReady, a natural leader and regular badass. He ends up taking charge when they find out there is an alien invasion/infiltration, what happened was they walked into the barn area where the animals were kept and one was being turned into the THING. It is so gross. Then the old guy, Wilford Brimley kinda flips out and they lock him up in this shack that they can only get ...

The Mummy - in which Brendan Fraser as Rick O'Connell escapes certain death multiple times, with some help from Rachael Weiss. Weiss plays Evie, a nerdy librarian with a drunk, possibly gay brother in Egypt, left there as adult orphans when their parents died at some point. Wait, in the beginning, a pharaoh is betrayed by his girlfriend and his high priest and they are both killed and the mage is named Imhotep, I think. So, several hundred years later, Evie and her bro get this map they think leads to the mysterious treasure city of Hamunaptra, and she hears there's a hot guy in town who will take you there for a fee. No, Rick is in jail, but the brother Jonathan stole the map from him before he was arrested. And sentenced to death. No, it's a key, not a map. Anyways, she saves Rick's life by purchasing his freedom from the sheriff, or whatever he is. Rick is very grateful and agrees to lead them to Hamunaptra, and is also apparently a good kisser. So, they get to goi...

Deranged - in which the true, boring story of Ed Gein is told through the use of 70's era low-budget horror techniques and mediocre acting. Apparently, the movie has an alternate title, or, a subtitle of Confessions of a Necrophile. Gross. So, the main character is Ezra Cobb, AKA Ed Gein, and he is played by the snow-shovel killer neighbor from Home Alone. There are no children is this movie. So, the worst parts are when Ed is in some weird, carpeted club, talking to waitresses (who you murder when you can't find a prostitute!), and ordering drinks it doesn't look like he can afford. So, he brings home that one girl to murder by "acting natural" and convincing her to go against her instincts and protestations and enter his creepy home. Surprise! His mother's corpse is there, he dug her up because he missed her after her funeral. Bam! Kills her with blunt force trauma. It is only a surprise to her, not to the audience in any way. Soooo, he's got cereal bowl...

The Mothman Prophecies - in which Richard Gere cares about someone besides himself. Well, some thing . . . its kind of a mystery. So, Richard Gere is married to some woman who can't drive, but is really good at choosing real estate. She picks them out a new house, and after they do it in the closet and see a flying bug, she is attacked by a hallucination while driving, and swerves and smacks her dumb head into the stupid car window and at the hospital she is diagnosed with severe brain cancer and dies. There may or may not be any correlation in those things. Who knows.      Anyways, a year later, Richard Gere is on his way to interview a governor, driving himself at night, and he somehow ends up 400 miles away in 3 hours, in a hick-filled mountain town fighting with a hick with a shotgun. It's crazy, and the nice lady sheriff, Laura Linney shows up and gets the situation under control. Richard Gere finds a mediocre motel to stay at while he investigates feeling creepy ...

Legend - in which Tom Cruise plays a forest-person named Jack who meets a nice girl and tries to show her around. But, he makes a mistake and he takes Lili to see the Unicorns, but while she is trying to touch one, which Jack does not recommend, they are attacked by the Darkness's flying monkeys and one is killed. So, the whole magical good/evil balance is swung in the favor of Evil, and this red demon guy seems ready to secure the forest for himself. So, he is on a mission to get the Last Unicorn (not that movie) and Jack is trying to find Lili, who has run off because of guilt and fear. Or maybe the demon has kidnapped her. I should have  written this synopsis much sooner. Well, the Darkness is HUGE and red and scary and Tom Cruise is super sweet and the forest is pretty nice. The bad guy doesn't win, I guess that's the important part.

Ghostbusters - in which three scientists pioneer a new, controversial technology and struggle with bureaucracy, inner and outer demons. Ray Stanz is a professional academic turned entrepreneur, getting mixed business advice from his best friends Pete Venkman and Egon, the nerd, about how to market their new ghost-catching technologies from their stately firehouse quarters in Manhattan.  Venkman falls in love with a client who had an appearance of the monster Zuul in her icebox, and he tries to impress her with history lessons about the Zuul, which I'm sure Ray and Egon prepared for him. They don't approve of his pursuit of the woman, but they know they can't stop him. Their business grows with the increase of paranormal activity throughout the city, so they bring on a 4th member to the team, Winston Zeddmore. It's technically 5 if you count the secretary Janine, and I do. So, Venkman goes to pick up the woman for a date, but she has been possessed by Zuul, presumably, a...

Southbound - in which four or five horror vignettes brush elbows in a circular fashion, and most of them succeed. One is the story of some guys who are out committing revenge, but they can't escape the alien monster ghosts of the ones they've revenged. Another story is about some girls in a band who have a breakdown on the same road, who end up trusting the wrong helpful motorists and get tricked into joining a cult. One girl makes it out and gets hit by a car, leading to the best segment, where we follow the guy who hit her into an abandoned hospital, carrying her dying body, trying to save her in crude surgery, following commands of some weirdos on the phone. He gets his whole goddamn arm up into her thorax and it's awesome. Then he gets released, and the story switches to a guy trying to "save" his sister from a town of magic wielding freaks, but it is a fruitless pursuit. Full circle to the murder-ees from the first story. 9/10

It Comes At Night - in which a small family is trying to survive after the apocalypse, and it is hard to make friends. Okay, first of all, really scary. The husband and wife have a son, and there used to be a grandfather the son could hang out with, but he got sick and died and had to be burned. Horribly and sadly. So, they've got a nice, fortified compound, but it gets broken into one night by some guy. The husband ties the guy up to see if he's sick, and he isn't, so upon interrogation the guy reveals that he has a wife and child a few miles away, and they are out of water, but they have livestock to trade. He also says a few suspicious things, but we let that slide because he does seem sincere on some other points. So, the two men go to retrieve the wife and child, leaving the wife and teenage son Travis at home with the dog. The husbands get ambushed by guys with guns, and the guy hesitates to shoot one of their attackers and then hesitates when asked if he...

Motel Hell - in which a crappy motel with a broken neon sign is regionally famous for selling a mystery jerky, and not for all the the patrons that never check out. Chef Vincent owns the Motel Hello in the middle of nowhere, near the Appalachians I guess, with his sister, probably. She is crazy but also appears to be kind of slow. But she's not slow, she's just nutburgers. So, the plot is that Farmer Vincent goes out hunting at night, and shoots people and brings them back to his little motel farm where he has some pigs. That's not the plot, that's the premise. The plot is that Farmer Vincent shoots out a couple's motorcycle tires one night, and the crash kills the dude, but the pretty young woman is just unconscious. So, Vincent takes her back and puts her up in a room at his motel, and when she wakes up the next day, he tells her he already buried her boyfriend and she should stay for a while and rest. But the boyfriend isn't really dead. The sheriff shows u...