Skip to main content

Indiana Jones - Raiders



Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark - in which an ethically challenged archeologist struggles to find an item of great power before the Nazis do. This is the one where he tries to take the golden idol and gets chased by a large boulder. He's fine, but there's a snake in his getaway plane - he'll deal. So, Indiana Jones is a jungle archeologist, but also a classroom professor, and he really wanted to go on the hunt for the lost Ark of the Covenant, and he heard the Nazis were also looking for it, and they they had hired his archeo-nemisis to find it, so it seems like they had a good chance. Anyway, he knows where the key to the treasure map is, so he goes to get it from his ex-girlfriend in Nepal. She is not happy to see him, but then when the Nazis show up and burn down her bar looking for the thing, she is glad he is there. They leave together, with the puzzle piece. The whole thing is kinda complicated, like you need to bring this ornament to this underground map room, where there is a miniature of the city, and at a certain time of day you need a staff of a certain height, and the height is determined by the engravings on the ornament, but the Nazis only have half the info because their plastic faced weirdo only burned one of his hands on it. So, that's how Indiana Jones gets to it first, because he has the whole thing, and he has Sala and his friends to help him dig. Marion gets kidnapped, runs away, but then the Nazi monkey gives her up, so they really kidnap her. They give her to Belloch, the French guy Indy is enemies with, but she almost escapes from him by using her incredible alcohol tolerance, but her escape is foiled by Plastic Face. He is the worst.
      So, Indiana Jones is getting the ark from this chamber filled with snakes, but the Nazis show up above ground, take the ark, and trade him Marion, whom they essentially drop into a hole in the ground. Using his smarts, Indy gets them out of the chamber of death and snakes, and they make their way to the Nazis with the box. The ark does not like the Nazis, as it burns their logo off of itself. Like the box they put it in. Anyways, Indy has to murder this giant Nazi with an airplane to get away, but they catch up with the Nazis and Belloch just in time to get held hostage, so they end up tied up for the unboxing of the Original Ten Commandments, or whatever snakes the box may hold. The air and the sky start acting real creepy in this natural stone theater, so Indy yells for Marion to close her eyes, and good thing she does, because everyone who sees the glorious light from inside the ark gets their face melted off. The ark seals itself back up, and the United States government take it to a safe place, probably, and Indy goes back to lecturing. Marion is fine.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Death Wish

Death Wish (1974) - in which the justice system fails a man who lost his family, and he goes off the rails in finding personal justice. I mean vengeance. Charles Bronson plays Paul Kersey, a husband and father and architect, who has a nice NYC life. One day, near the beginning of the movie, Paul's wife is murdered and his daughter is raped into a catatonic state, from which she will not likely recover. Sexist. Anyways, Paul is destroyed, so his boss sends him out to New Mexico, or another lawless state, for a 3 month long project. Paul does some recovering while he is out there, and is befriended by his big money client, with a big hat and big guns. Upon arriving back in NYC, Paul is disheartened to find his daughter in terrible condition, and his son-in-law coping poorly. There have also been no arrests in his wife's murder, as the police are very busy with a crime spree related to gang violence. Paul is a really sympathetic guy, and his pain is visible, and very real. So,...
1 comment
Read more

Event Horizon

Event Horizon - in which sci fi space body horror gets very fucking real, and totally gross. First, Lawrence Fishburne is a space captain named Miller, and his first mate is Joely Richardson, and she rocks. Her accent is real. A bunch of space sailors are escorting science genius Sam Neill to the wreckage of a space ship. It wasn't just a space ship, it was a massive black hole generating machine, and it recently re-emerged around Neptune, and now its just orbiting, being spooky af. To give all the details, Sam Neill, AKA Dr. Weir, is having creepy dreams about his dead wife in his cryo/gravi-sleep pod before they even get to the abandoned wreck. Oh, its called the Event Horizon. So, once the crew rolls up on Event Horizon they get nervous, because its creepy, and a few people go out to investigate the empty ship. Miller orders Dr. Weir to stay aboard their vessel, and he doesn't do a good job of listening. As soon as the crew splits up, one young guy gets sucked into the g...
1 comment
Read more

Raw

Raw - in which France has the grossest veterinary school imaginable, and vegetarianism is the thinking woman's solution to the broken Greek system. Some skinny girl goes to the same veterinary school her older sister is currently attending, and her bitch sister doesn't even help her move in to the dorm she is sharing with a guy. Albeit a gay guy, but I'm assuming not all of the men in this coed dorm are gay. The first night the hazing begins, the freshmen are herded out of their rooms by threat of violence, and all of their mattresses are thrown onto the front lawn. It takes a surreal turn into gross-cinema discomfort at the rave they are all taken to and our tiny protagonist runs into her mean sister and is peer pressured into taking some club drugs. Things are just starting to get weird. Some kind of creepy things are happening, but it mostly just reminds me of the lonely horror of my college experience, except I wasn't peer pressured into eating a rabbit kidney, ...
2 comments
Read more