Movies I've Seen

Thor: Ragnarok - in which Thor and Loki team up to fight their hot sister after their only remaining parent dies. Odin dies while he's on earth, but he waited until Thor and Loki show up. They went looking for him in NYC, but got intercepted by Dr. Strange, who redirected them to Norway, the home of Odin's followers in Midgard. Odin passes into the wind, Thor and Loki are sad for a minute, and then their mean sister, Hela, shows up. She tells them she's the heir to Odin's throne, and also she's a maniacal beautiful genius who is going to conquer all of the worlds Odin did not. Which is most of them. They start to fight, but Loki the Idiot opens the bridge to Asgard, and Hela knocks Thor and Loki out of the rainbow bridge stream and makes it there alone. Let the conquering begin. Hela storms the palace and fucks the place up, and then she kills, like, the entire army because they won't fight for her. Next best thing, she raises an undead army from the corpses...

The Babysitter - in which a nerd loses his only friend. The adolescent boy, Cole, is slow to mature and has parents who hire a sitter for him when they leave for an overnight trip. She's been babysitting him for years, and is like, his only friend. Wait, he has another boy he's friends with, but I don't think he matters. So, the plot is that Bee lets Cole drink alcohol so he will fall asleep, and then she has her archetype friends come over so they can sacrifice Cole to Satan, or whomever. Cole stays awake and thwarts their plan by not being easy prey. Its pretty funny, campy, over the top and still heartfelt. He is a resourceful scamp, so he defeats the high school team of idiots, and also steals a car. The pic is from a game of truth or dare.

Magic - in which Anthony Hopkins is the craziest fucking guy ever, and people just keep being nice to him be cause he's so damn charming. So, at first Anthony Hopkins plays a ventriloquist named Corky, and he's got a jackass dummy named Fats. His act is good, and a talent agent catches it one night, Burgess Meredith, and they start working together. Corky is seldom seen without Fats, but no one really minds, actors get a lot of leeway. So, Meredith gets Corky a pilot with a TV network, which is literally the best thing that could happen for them, but the network wants Corky to go for a physical before they drop the money for the pilot. Standard operating procedure, Burgess assures Corky. Corks, however, freaks out and takes Fats on a road trip, where he ends up at a lakeside B&B. Turns out he has been in love with the woman who runs this B&B since high school, and they have a great time getting reacquainted while her husband is out of town for the week. Corky keeps ...

Bloody Mallory - in which a French vampire hunter is hired by her own government to protect the Pope from the forces of evil, because she's the only one with the ability to do so. I didn't know this was a French-language movie, Netflix didn't tell me that, but I wasn't gonna let that stop me from enjoying an early 2000's horror crap-fest. Oh, boy. First of all, Mallory actually has a team that helps her fight evil, including a telepathic child, a drag queen with guns in her platforms, and a priest, who dies early on. So, Mallory is first fighting these demons from an episode of BtVS, they are trying to rape a whole cloister of nuns. It appears as though Mallory has gotten there just in time, and she kills the demons, but then the nuns' abdomens swell and explode with more demons. Its bananas. Mallory wins, and then goes on to fight another town of demons, oh, she's doing all of this because she got married once, and on her wedding day her husband reveale...

The Conjuring 2 - in which romance meets horror and a creepy nun fucks everyone up. First of all, this is another real case the Warrens worked, and the girls from the family are on the BD extras. Lorraine Warren is feeling rough from the exorcism she was party to recently, and she wants to take some time off from fighting monsters, and stick to lecturing. Ed is of course supportive, and for some reason she doesn't tell him that she has been seeing the horrifying monster nun Ed paints, because he is strong, hot, and also an artist. So, there is a family in northern London (for an accent, think Scary Spice AKA Mel B) with two boys and two girls, and just one mum, and they have been living in their house for a while, but the ghost of the old man who died there starts messing with the daughter, Janet. She stays home from school one day because she's sick, and he keeps changing her TV channel, and then he aggressively appears to her and yells at her to get out of the house. The ...

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly - in which three guys work together and against each other to get some pretty sweet treasure while avoiding the Civil War. First, some mean looking guy I named Italian Daniel Day Lewis is a cold blooded murderer, and although he does what he is paid to do, he also does fuck around, and will interpret a wet death rattle into an assassination request. One that he is happy to fulfill. This is the Bad guy, but honestly, none of them are really that great. Clint Eastwood is partnered up with a thief/murderer, and they do scams together, like not being hanged, but still collecting the bounty for turning Tucho in. Tucho, or Pioneer Dustin Hoffman, is gross and greedy and stupid, so Clint drops him after a while. There's sort of a cat and mouse quality to their friendship, until Italian Daniel Day Lewis shows up, looking for the same treasure they heard about. He is ruthless, and they all get to the massive Civil War cemetery where its buried, and they ha...

Lights Out - in which a really good sister saves her brother from their terrible mom. So, there is a boy who lives with his mom and the ghost of her friend, his cool sister moved out a while ago. His dad is killed by a monster in the opening scene of the movie, but the rest of the movie appears to take place about a year later. So, the kid is losing sleep because his mom's creepy ghost friend won't stop fucking with him, and Family Services gets involved because he starts falling asleep in school. The mom isn't responding to the school, so they call the sister, Rebecca, and she and her nice boyfriend show up to help. The kid stays with his sister for a night, but the school people tell Rebecca that she can't just take custody of Jake, but she doesn't want to take him home because their mother is mentally ill, coping poorly with the death of her husband, and also Rebecca knows about the ghost lady, and that she's real. So, a few nights later, she is letting J...

It Follows - in which a high school loser makes a movie about the girl who refused to have sex with him, just because he wanted her to, and he turns into a hero who saves her from sexual promiscuity. Whatever, some people see this as a movie about an STD, but it is a movie about the worth of women and how it is derived from their sexual choices. Some girl has sex with a guy she's been on a few dates with, but after the consensual sex, he ties her up and shows her that she is now in danger because he transmitted a sexually transmitted curse to her, and he had to tie her up because the movie needed rape imagery, but the sex had to be consensual so the nerdy guy could have sex with her later, and it wouldn't be weird. It was still weird. Okay, so, while this girl is supposed to be on the run from the sex demon, she just goes home and chills with her sister and their quiet friends, including this one nerdy guy, who has always been in love with her. So, she's the only one wh...

What We Do In The Shadows - in which New Zealand's vampires give us a glimpse into their private lives, and its hilarious. Four vampires share a house, and they have social probs and relationships just like we do. Some of them are very old and powerful, they can all mostly turn into bats, and they don't have TV. Their legacy is threatened when a new vamp joins their social circle, but tells a bunch of humans that he is a vampire, and also, he is kind of biting Deacon's style. Jermaine Clement is amazing, and so is Taika Waititi.

Deliver Us From Evil - in which the true story of a supernatural cop gets a Hollywood upgrade, and he ends up loving it. Eric Bana plays this NY borough cop who gets great hunches, and has an adrenaline-junkie partner who is always egging him on to pick up the wildest calls that come through. The plot follows the journey of Sgnt Sarchi after he picks up a crazy woman from the zoo, and some creepy guy ghosts them, and disappears into the tiger compound. Sarchi  is an excellent detective, and he follows his gut, and this leads him to another call, domestic dispute, that ends up being related to the zoo nonsense. Actually, I think the domestic call happened first, but anyways, some creepy supernatural stuff starts happening. Like, the crazy lady keeps singing The Doors, and he keeps hearing Doors music and children laughing. Anyways, he hooks up with this Jesuit Priest with amazing hair, he's trying to look after the crazy lady, as she is a member of his congregation. Sarchi is ge...

Poltergeist - in which a little girl is kidnapped by a ghost, and her family doesn't spend any time in denial about what happened. First, there is this family living in a house, getting a pool installed in the backyard, and staying up late, watching TV. The dad keeps falling asleep in the living room, and when the station goes off air, the local ghosts start talking through the static, and the little girl hears them, and makes friends. She asks them to play with her, and they invade the house, and it turns out they are super-powerful ghosts, and they have invaded the house and start messing with all the furniture and lights and people. Then, things flip out of control, and this scary looking tree breaks into the kids' room and tries to eat the little boy. It is going great for the tree, even though the mom and dad run outside and try like hell to save him. Well, they do save him, because the monster-tree was only a ruse, and the little girl, Carol-Ann get kidnapped into a p...

Mother! - in which an allegory for the Bible is also an allegory for life as an artist. In the beginning, Javier Bardem creates his wife and a nice house with a magic crystal that has fire inside of it, and no one is allowed to touch it. She works on the house, and he works on his writing, and everything is fine and in service of him until Ed Harris shows up and is weird, and coughs up a heart into a toilet. Then Michelle Pfeiffer shows up to be a condescending bitch, then her two sons show up, and one murders the other, and He won't make them leave because their pain is inspiring him, and She can't make them leave because she has no power, and no one will listen to her. Things have been weird up until this point, but then they quickly spiral out of control as the family insists on holding a wake for the dead boy at their house, and a bunch more strangers come and invade, brimming with fake gratitude. I'm not really capturing the spirit of ickiness, but it was there. The...

INSIDIOUS Chapter 2 - in which one of the best sequels ever lets a ghost be a main character. So, Patrick is stuck in the Beyond, and he sticks around to haunt his family, with love, while the mean lady ghost walks around in his body, progressively decaying. Elise's nerds miss her, and look for signs that she's still around, and they find some! Ghost Elise is hanging out to hook up  with Spirit Patrick to solve the mystery and get that mean lady out of his body. Turns out, the mean lady is actually a Norman Bates style dude, dressed up as his mother. The ghost of the fucked up mother traps an extra psychic and Rose in her old house, while the ghost of Norman Bates is running around in Patrick's body, getting ready to murder everyone. Oh, while he was alive the first time, he was a serial killer, and they find allllllllll the bodies. Wtf. So, the nerds and the new psychic come up with a crappy plan to take out Possessed Patrick, but it fails, and then everyone is in seri...

Insidious - in which Patrick Wilson is not playing Ed Warren, and I have to adjust. So, as with most haunted house movies, this begins with a nice family moving into a new home, and then some weird stuff starts happening. They let it go on longer than I might, and then their oldest son, who's like 8, falls in the creepy attic that lured him in, and he goes into a non-coma, and he can't wake up. Everyone is understandably upset. Then, some crazy shit starts happening, all in one night, Rose sees a whole ghost man in the baby's room, and Patrick hears the alarm go off and see the door flung open several times in one night. It's really bad. And then, like geniuses, in the next scene, they move! However, they are too late, and they continue to be haunted, so they call some experts, as referred by Patrick's mom. Elise is the psychic's name, and she is awesome, and she has two nerds who work for her, and they come with her to help her scout out the house. She quic...

Hercules - in which a cartoon pantheon of Greek gods squabbles and learns a lesson about humanity. Zeus has a son, and he gets poisoned with some mortality potion by Hades' goons, but he doesn't drink alllllll of it, so he's only mostly human. It's hard to separate the mythology from the movie. So, Hercules goes to live with the humans, cast out of Olympus. So, Hercules is a scrawny kid who means well, but he doesn't get to the hero stuff until he gets a Danny Devito sidekick to help train him. Once he gets all buff and heroic, Hades gets word that Herc is still alive, and he sends a hot lady to sabotage him.  Her name is Meg, and she is working for Hades because of the guy she loved, or whatever. Hercules does some good deeds, and gets his god status back, everybody sings.

Fright Night - in which a teenage boy is the only one who has the good sense to identify and fear the new vampire in town, and his friends make fun of him. So, Charlie has this nice girlfriend named Amy, and they are hanging out when Charlie glances out the window and sees his new, handsome neighbor biting the beautiful prostitute he had invited over. He doesn't really freak out until the next day, when he see's the vampire's goul-servant taking out the body the next day. Charlie watches a lot of horror movies, so he's got some info, but his friend, Evil Ed, has the real down low, so he goes to him for advice. Evil Ed makes fun of Charlie, but gives him some solid info. However, by the time Charlie gets home - his mom has invited the VAMPIRE, Jerry, inside. Jerry threatens Charlie and his mom, and Charlie decides to get real, and he hunts down his local horror movie host, Peter Vincent, and tries to enlist his help. Peter Vincent does not believe Charlie, of course,...

Moana - in which the tale of a Chosen One gets everything right, with songs! Moana is a little girl who loves the Pacific Ocean, in a period of time when gods and people still had regular interactions. She just wants to explore the world, but it is dangerous, and her father has plans for her to be a great leader for her people. And so, Moana does a lot of learning and seems like she could be ready to really lead the island, but things start to go sour, and her solution is to venture into the dangerous ocean, beyond the reef. This turns out to endanger some of her citizens, but she doesn't give up on the idea of leaving the island. Her nice grandmother sings to her that she should follow her heart, and when the Ocean shows Moana that her people have some BIG ships in storage, but no one talks about it, Moana confronts her Grandmother about it. Grandma tells her that she must venture out and find the trickster god Maui, and force him to replace the heart of the mother spi...

Tales of Halloween - in which a long series of short and scary stories are told in the same cinematic style. The best one is the story about the hipsters giving out candy while drinking, but they get attacked by a bunch of kids. Like, murdered. Turns out, they were serial killing neighborhood children, and its revenge! There's another one where the kids live in some Mad Max society. And another one where some demon frames a child for a TON of crime and murder. They're all pretty good, though.

The Horror of Dracula - in which Christopher Lee is mother fucking DRACULA, but Peter Cushing defeats him anyway. So, it begins, as it should, with Jonathan Harker visiting Castle Dracula looking like a nerd, and Dracula greets him creepily, then locks him in a room for the evening. Harker is there as a librarian, and Dracula assures him he will get to look at all the books tomorrow. But, while Drax is sleeping, Harker creeps him and tries to stake him! Twist! He does not succeed, however, and Dracula converts him and flies to London to take his woman. Back in the city, Harker's girlfriend is Lucy, and she lives with her brother Arthur and his wife , Mina. Yeah, I know. Its actually better this way. So, Dracula starts his long-term plan to bring Lucy back to his lair, but Van Helsing is snooping around, looking for his friend, Harker. Jonathan had been keeping him in the loop, vampire-wise, so Van Helsing is on Dracula's trail. He enlists the help of Arthur, and they trek t...

The Amityville Horror - in which a true life horror story gets actually nicer when made into a Hollywood movie. Before the movie starts, George Lutz married a nice Margot Kidder, named Kathy, and she already had a bunch of kids, but they seem to get along okay. Then, at the beginning of the movie, this young guy goes crazy and shoots his entire family in their beds, spookily, none of them are awakened or disturbed by the gunshots (ghosts!) and the scene is over. Back to the Lutzes... They move into a new, huge house, and the realtor has disclosed the gruesome history of the house to the Lutzes, we saw it, but they didn't care, and they moved their children into an affordable home, tainted with murder! And evil. So, this is the haunting movie of all hauntings. And I'll try not to mix it up with the Conjuring. So, George Lutz is always chilly, and things the solution is more firewood. The daughter makes a ghost friend, and no one thinks anything of it. While the family is out...

Jeepers Creepers - in which Justin Long tries to be a good person, but he chose the wrong country road to do it on. Justin and his sister are driving along the country roads of central Florida, going home to see their parents when they encounter a hooop-dee from 1925 who appears to be the most aggressive driver ever. He passes them, but a few minutes later they pass the evil truck on the side of the road, where they clearly see the driver carrying a body wrapped in a bloody sheet, and tossing it down some weird tube. Like a normal person, the sister wants to go and get the police, but like a hero, Justin wants to go look down the tube and see if the bloody sheet still has a pulse. Truthfully, when they go to the pipe, they do hear someone alive at the bottom of it, which Justin confirms by accidentally sliding down the horror pipe and finding a dying guy who tells him to run.    Amazingly, I did not turn the movie off, and then in the next scene, Justin Long finds an es...

Zombieland - in which four survivors learn some lessons about love and family from each other, and Bill Murray. First, there are a bunch of rules to learn about the new world, and some nerd, played by Michael Cera, tells us about them. This is where the majority of zombie footage happens, as the movie takes place in low-zombie zones and on the road. Anyways, he hooks up with Woody Harrelson, and they make some progress across the country until they are tricked out of their weapons and vehicle by two girls. Twice. Then, they make friends with the girls because one of them is hot, and the girls think they can trust the guys, because they can. These both turn out to be good decisions. They get to LA, and crash at Casa de Murray for a few nights, but Bill Murray pretends to be a zombie inside the house, like an idiot, and gets shot. So, then the girls dip out, and they are going to a stupid amusement park, and the guys go after them because its the right thing to do, and they love them...

Wicker Man - in which the dangers of paganism are portrayed as having group sex, owning lots of bunnies, and not dying a virgin. Praise Jesus! So, some Scottish policeman got a personal letter asking him to come to this island, Summer Isle, even though it is a private island and they don't like visitors. The copper doesn't technically have a warrant, or the British equivalent of one, but he's real pushy, and he flew himself there, so they let him onto the island. Anyway, the letter said some young girl had gone missing, and it included a photo of the girl, and the cop starts interrogating everyone he meets about her. The residents are real cagey and vague, raising his suspicions further, but a few people along the way corroborate his theories, also he steals some records that prove the girl exists. The cop keeps getting upset by the pagan things he is witnessing, like daytime nudity rituals (all adults) or teaching children about phallic symbolism and the existence of...

Deep Rising - in which Kevin O'Conner is treasure hunting and he accidentally finds Famke Janssen. Okay, first Treat Williams is captain of a small boat, and he is hired by a couple of treasure hunters to find this ship that has gone missing. The ship was filled with the richest people ever, plus one Famke Janssen who was trying to do a scam, but she got caught red-handed. The fancy lux ship doesn't have a brig, so the captain improvises and locks Famke in the pantry. Something happens to the ship to make it go missing and knock out all of its power, and its aliens, but the movie doesn't tell us that for a while. It's a surprise. So, when Treat Williams and Kevin O'Conner, some Asian woman and others arrive at the luxury liner, its all dark, and they break in via the jet-ski dock, and the aliens are still on the ship. There are disgusting bloody skeletons EVERYWHERE, and some gross goop. The aliens perk up and chase the new guests on the ship. Chaos ensues...

Bram Stoker's Dracula - is not the book, as the title would suggest, but a strange and terrible movie Francis Ford Coppola made after reading Dracula, the book. First of all, Keanu Reeves is trying his best, but no one should have asked him to do an English accent. He makes Jonathan Harker into a sweet, lovable kid, and Winona Ryder's Mina is much too advanced for him. Okay, some weird stuff - Gary Oldman as Dracula appears as a strange warrior weirdo with a suit that looks like the sinew of muscles, from like 1400 or something. Then he has a double-beehive hairdo and some wicked red robes when Keanu finally shows up with some paperwork. Okay, the effects are cool. They're all in-camera and the moving shadows look neat, but it saves nothing. Yes, real effects are used to turn Dracula into a wolf monster who has sex with Lucy. In wolf form. Gross. Yuck, its so gross!     The plot continues according to what normally happens, with some weirdness added ...

Pet Sematary - in which a man neglects his family to tragic ends, and tries to make up for it with more bad decision making. Remember that episode of The Office where Michael needs to do Safety Training better than the werehouse guys, and so he gets a trampoline and tests some watermelons on it, and it goes poorly, and then Dwight asks him is he wants to do some more tests, and Michael says no, let's just do it, the tests aren't going very well? Its kinda like that. A man moves into a new home with his family, and they are unfazed by the serious traffic problem on their road. Luckily, their neighbor across is Herman Munster! So, what happens is, first a cat dies, and the daughter can't deal, so the dad buries the cat in the resurrection cemetery, and the cat comes back to life, but its not really that nice anymore. There's a whole bunch of stuff happening in the movie that isn't really related to the plot, like the mom, Tasha Yar, had this awful sister she was...

Shadow of the Vampire - in which the behind the scenes story of the making of Nosferatu reveals that he was a real-ass vampire. John Malkovich plays the real life director, Frederich Wilhelm Murnau, who is obviously a crazy person, based on the fact that Malkovich is playing him, and he found a real vampire to be in his Dracula knock-off movie. He has a producer named Albin, and some writer who gets eaten halfway through production. So, the company travels from Germany to Romania to this small town a weird castle, and Murnau tells them "Max Shreck" will be playing a vampire through method acting, which hasn't been invented, and he will stay at the Creepy castle where they find him. Like, they don't even introduce the cast or crew to him, they are filming a scene of Eddie Izzard approaching the Castle, and Max Schreck appears out of nowhere, in frame, and freaks everyone tf out. Murnau does his best to keep Max segregated, I guess, but he still ends up interactin...

Paranormal Activity - in which a girl is haunted, and no one calls the Ghostbusters! Idiots. A woman and her boyfriend hone in on some creepy, standard haunting things when he purchases a video camera, and sets it up while they sleep. Yes, it is a found footage movie, and it is one of two that I like (Blair Witch Project). So, the haunting escalates as the boyfriend agitates the spirit more and more, by taunting it and saying he doesn't "believe" it exists, or whatever. But it clearly does. So, after a couple weeks of scarier bumps in the night, and creepy sleepwalking, the boyfriend finally caves and admits that there's a demon haunting them, and might possess his girlfriend, or kill them both. However, he does not want anyone's help with this problem, and he contrives no solutions, and his girlfriend gets possessed and eats him. Sad for her, he deserves it. If you have a ghost or a demon - call a professional! Tourist City Ghostbusters@ 321.80.HAUNT

The Shining - in which a madman has made a film about more madmen, and poor Shelly DuVall barely survives. Jack Torrence moves his wife and son into an isolated hotel for the winter season, and they better plan on getting along, because they are stuck up there for months! Their son, Danny is psychic, and so it makes him more vulnerable to the psychic attacks of the Overlook Hotel. It kind of leaves Wendy alone, and it sinks its teeth into Jack, drawing out his dry-drunk resentment and his natural violent tendencies. A ghost of the guy who murdered his wife and twin daughters keeps showing up to hang out with Jack, and Jack is getting NO work done on his typewriter, despite yelling at nice Wendy to leave him alone. You know, to "concentrate." All work and no play make Jack a dull girl, I know it well. Things really start to deteriorate when the ghosts get Jack drunk, and he personally knocks out the radio and snowcat so Wendy can't call or go for help. On winter va...

Vampires - in which the very cool concept of bounty-hunting vampires for the Vatican is ruined with misogyny and James Woods. There are some guys, rough guys, and they work as a very communicative and supportive team, hunting basically any and all vampires, and killing them by any means available. The best way is the harpoon gun with which they impale the vampires, and its attached to a winch on the truck, and the vampires explode in the sunlight. Its very cool. So, after a successful bust, the team says they're still looking for the Master Vampire who rules this land, and he comes and finds them, he's pissed that they fucked up his nest. He kills a bunch of the guys, and most of the prostitutes they had in their motel rooms with them. There is one hooker he bites on her sexy inner thigh, and he is kind of a sexy vampire, his name is Valek. James Woods survives, he is the leader of the pack, and he has a personal vendetta again vampires, as they killed his family when he wa...

IT (2017) - in which a New England town gets fucked up by a dancing clown, and kids save the day. Billie loses his favorite brother to a creepy clown in a sewer, and his parents are not helping him mourn about it. To be fair, the clown was very convincing, and looked like he knew how to juggle, if that's important to you. Okay, so, Pennywise the Dancing Clown starts terrorizing all the outcast and weak children he can find, and honestly, he is doing a decent job, because he has eaten a bunch of kids by the time our story picks up almost a year later. But, turns out, the kids he's targeting have each other, so they are less vulnerable than the Bettys and Georgies that he's already got.   The crew of kids acquires a girl to the group, Bev gets her period, becomes a woman, and gets the courage to stand up to her pedophile father and fight back the next time he tries to rape her. You go, girl! It seems likely that her ability to stand up to a real monster renders her able ...

Cemetery Man - in which Rupert Everett is the guardian of the worst cemetery ever, and then Death makes him his bitch. Okay, so, in this cemetery in Buffalora, Italy, has this nasty problem of the dead rising from their graves, but the town has employed Francesco Dellamorte (Rupert Everett) to keep the corpses in their holes with a revolver, a shovel, and a simpleton assistant. Its a weird movie, but the plot mostly follows this beautiful woman, who meets Dellamorte while attending the funeral of her old, dead husband, and he continues to creep on her while she mourns her lost love. Then things get sexy, and they do it on her husband's grave, but his corpse reanimates and bites her, and she dies, and Dellamorte lays her body out in the ausserie (sp?) She reanimates, and he shoots her, and there are lots of scarves and veils and stuff blowing around the whole time. Like, this is barely the beginning of the whole movie.        He continues to encounter b...

Land of the Dead - in which Night of the Living Dead gets its 6th sequel, which no one wanted. So, apparently, there is one area of the World that has been partially rebuilt, but it is governed by the 1%, because money matters again, even before society is fully rebuilt, and the jags who live in this nice tower don't have real skills, they just buy security, who seem to work for them for wages, it makes no sense. The plot is weak, and besides the point, but John Leguizamo is there to play some jerk, but he is the most likable character, because its him, so there's not really any tension, either. Um, some stuff happens, like, the zombies are getting smart, and learning how to open doors and pump gas, but not drive a car - yet. The zombies try and fail to gain the upper hand over the regular, non-dead humans, and then its over. Not great.

An American Werewolf in London - in which 2 guys go back-packing through Europe on a summer vacay, but are interrupted early on by an animal attack. Jack and David are hitchhiking through Northern England when they are stuck at a crossroads of a creepy tavern and three empty fields, in England they're called "moors." The guys are not welcome at the Locals Only establishment, so they go walking off in the dark to try to find a better bar. However, they are attacked by a werewolf, who turns back into a man after the locals shoot him. Jack is murdered, but David is merely injured and spends the next few weeks unconscious in a hospital in London. He makes friends with a sexy nurse while he is recovering, and he is visited by his friend Jack, in the form of a wolf-force ghost. Jack keeps insisting David commit suicide, but David doesn't want to. First of all, he doesn't wanna die, but also, he doesn't really believe that he's a werewolf now, too. But he kin...

The Dark Tower - in which a series of books Stephen King started in 1986 is continued in a movie, but a lot of people keep thinking it is all ten books crammed into 90 minutes. It's not. Idris Elba is an awesome gunslinger from this weird world where he is always versus Matthew McConaughey, who is a creepy weirdo called The Man in Black. There is this kid named Jacob in regular reality who accidentally finds a portal to the weird world, while he was being chased by some adults/bullies/henchmen. Jacob jumps into the portal because the other option is to be taken away by some scary adults, but then he meets Roland the Gunslinger and they decide to help each other. They find another portal, and they come to regular world and Roland falls in love with aspirin and Coke, but Man in Black has a ton of goons searching for them everywhere.  Man in Black wants Jacob to power his psychic machine that will destroy the Dark Tower, and therefore destroy the world. A chase ensues, Jacob get...

The Frighteners - in which Michael J Fox walks the fuzzy line between helping people and grifting them, while trying to work out some grief. Frank Bannister is the main guy, aka protagonist, and he's got some ghosts that work for him, they do hauntings he sends them to do, and he makes money by "exorcising" the affected homes. He used to be an architect, but he gave up when his wife died a few years ago, and he lives in a home with weather draping instead of windows. So, this is all the normal set up, plus, there's been an epidemic of healthy people having heart attacks. Also, Bannister is an abysmal driver. This leads to him crashing into a fence in some yuppie's yard, like, destroying it, and so he sends his ghosts to haunt the yuppie's place so he won't have to pay the damages. However, Bannister's plan kind of backfires when he gets there to exorcise the ghosts that have been causing ONE NIGHT of havoc, and he sees a weird number bu...

The Rite - in which an ambivalent American man attends seminary school, decides it isn't for him, and then is blackmailed into taking a trip to Rome, to make sure he's sure. It seems like everything would be better if the main guy, Michael Kovak, cared more about his own destiny, but instead, we follow his agnosticism on a roller-coaster ride in the Vatican! Okay, so they send out of normal exorcism class, to an independent study with Anthony Hopkins. Michael has been working with his father as a mortician, so he seems to have the constitution an exorcism requires. Anthony Hopkins is a very good priest, and his main exorcism is on a 16 year old pregnant woman. Michael doesn't believe any of the things he's seeing, even though it is clearly demonic, but he doesn't believe in God, so he can't believe in the Devil. The pregnant possession is awesome, and she, like, coughs up some nails at some point. She's in a lot of pain, and also says some real fucked up...

30 Days of Night - in which vampires who hate to be rushed descend onto a town without a lick of sunlight for a whole month. Barrow, Alaska is located so close to the North Pole that it doesn't get normal sun exposure, and, this is true, every November - December the town goes dark for over a month. The vampire part is not true, it is based on a comic book. So, Josh Hartnett is the Sheriff of this tiny town, and his ex-wife is in town for the day, I hope she doesn't miss the last plane out of town and have to spend the whole month there! Some ghoul has sabotaged all of the radios and escape devices, and then this whole clan of gypsy-looking vampires show up and, like, waste every human they can find. They have some weird, high-pitched screeches, and a mess of pointy fangs. The human smorgasbord goes on for the whole month, slowly picking off any characters remaining in the movie. No one is really interesting, the vampires are pretty cool. They do not speak English, and the ...

Crime Zone - in which the class system is taken deadly seriously, but one cute guy has the courage to stand and do some crime.Okay, so, in the dystopian future, there is a strict class system, and some vague sort of points system, and men who work shitty jobs can be promoted to a higher level in society based on their performance at work. There are also women who work as prostitutes, and not really anywhere else (a few pervert cops), so I think this is all they can do in the future. And the society appears to be a closed municipality, but there is talk of another, better place. So, the main guy is a normal, white guy, level 0, or 0.5, and he works at a cryogenic freezing lab, where the service is purchased by wealthy, older folks, and they freeze themselves with their valuables. They are not in Fry tubes, they are like, hanging around like dry cleaning. So, Guy meets a nice prostitute woman while his gang-friends are maybe working up to raping her, because she is beating them at ...

Bad Batch - which I watched while white-knuckling through a manic episode, and my super serious mood was perfectly reflected in a desert wasteland of cannibals and amputees. So, the only thing we see is the ejected peoples who didn't qualify to be apart of whatever might pass for a cohesive society, and they are all tattooed "Bad Batch" with a number. You can tell how long someone has been outside the walls by how high their number is. So, Arlen is our blonde, human protagonist, and she is trying to make a run for it after being pushed out, but the cannibals with golf carts get her, and keep her chained up while cutting off her arm and leg, which they eat. Which we see. Jason Momoa is the head of the cannibals, it is a weird body builder society who listens to Ace of Base tapes, like, all the time. Arlen escapes! And she makes it to this other society, some weird, mute, hermit named Jim Carrey shows her the way. I think he pushes her in his shopping cart, wearing home...

In Cold Blood - in which two felons aim to pull off a big, one time heist in Kansas, but it doesn't go great, and things devolve from there. The movie is based on the book, which is based on the true crime, and Truman Capote wrote this as, like, the definitive true crime novel. And the filmmakers went to great creepy lengths to maintain accuracy, and it works. So, Perry and Dick are two guys who are getting together after doing some time in the same jail, to open a safe at a farm they heard about whilst they were locked up, but the safe was a myth. Perry was ready to split when they found out they were only gonna walk with $43, but Dick went in prepared to shoot the entire family, and they did. The rest of the movie is about their attempted escape, they even made it to Mexico, but Perry has too many traumatic flashbacks to his alcoholic mother, who may have been a prostitute at times, and also seeing her beaten by his father. Perry tried to live with his dad, but his father p...